Finding A Partner In BDSM

Author: Raven Shadowborne © May 1, 1999

With the advent of the Internet, BDSM has become more widely known to people in general. This has increased the numbers of new people entering the lifestyle. It has also increased the number of people who have dom fever or sub fever and really want to experience everything NOW, rather than later. It has also opened a whole new way of finding a partner. I suppose one could say it has taken dating service to a whole new level. Many people seem to be giving in to this "fever" and acting rashly only to regret it late by rushing out and meeting people before they really know who they are going to meet. 

Finding a partner is not easy and it takes time and patience. Yet I have noticed a growing trend. That being more people are entering into relationships too fast. It seems that many people collar others within a matter of a couple weeks, or even a couple days. More people are rushing head long into B/d and S/m activities without really thinking about what they are getting into before hand.  

Rushing head long into a relationship, or physical acitivity is not a good idea. There is a lot more to being a dominant or a submissive, and to a D/s (or BDSM) relationship than the physical sensation ( this includes even play partner relationships). Any session in which a submissive submits to the actions of the dominant, not only affects the submissive physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. It takes a lot of will power to be able to calmly submit to someone else's actions. It takes alot of inner peace to be able to relax enough to enjoy those physical sensations. It takes alot of will power and self acceptance to be able to submit to someone else's authority outside of sexual encounters. These things are fostered over time and through learning about oneself and one's desires. This self knowledge does not come over night. People must realize this and give themselves the time they need to truly begin understanding the things they are finding in themselves. 

It seems that many people think finding a BDSM partner has a different set of "rules" than finding a vanilla one. But in reality this is not completely true. When looking for a vanilla partner to committ to, one goes through the dating process. This is a period of time in which the people get to know each other as much as they can. Conversations about everything are held, and time is spent together. This may or may not include sex. Finding a dominant or submissive works the same way. The "dating period" is called negotiation in BDSM, but consists of the same basic things. Getting to know each other as much as possible. It also includes kink compatability, which means finding out if what you enjoy physically is something your prospective partner enjoys as well. Learning these things takes time and does not occur in just a few days. It is through this getting to know each other process that one gathers enough knowledge about the other to decide if further intimacy is something they want, or if it is not. 

On the Internet a person will find web sites and chat rooms in which there are people who are living a 24/7 bdsm relationship and they want the same for themselves. They crave that intimacy and bond that an established relationship has. They crave the sensations that physical BDSM ectivities give them, and the euphoria with which many people describe their sessions. What seems to be forgotten the most is that those established relationships took time to get to the point they are at. They did not just appear overnight as a close, trusting, loving relationship.  

I am often asked what is the best way to find a partner. My only answer is take your time, talk with others, learn as much as you can and you will find a partner. You can't possibly find a partner who will match you if you do not know what it is that you are looking for. Give yourself the time you need to learn more before rushing into a relationship and you may save yourself some unncessary heartache and psychological turmoil. Move too fast and you may be setting yourself up for failure. Keep to the same ethics you would use for a vanilla relationship within a BDSM one and you will eventually find the correct partner for you. For example, if you prefer not to have sex with someone on a first date, you probably shouldn't "scene" with someone on a first date either. If you prefer to start out as friends and move into a more intimate relationship, then do the same with those in BDSM.  

Take your time, and you will find that it was worth the patience and the effort.  



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