Free: a poem by Molina

After so many years spent constructing
As strong a barrier as I could
It is so very hard to dismantle it.
I look around to see this shield
I have built
So carefully
Over time.
Here, a memory snaps back at me.
Recollections of pain.
Hours alone, longing.
Hours together, suffering.
Wanting so much
But
Not knowing what it was I needed.
With each new hurt
On
Top
Of
An
Old
Hurt
The
Defense becomes stronger.
I am
Tough.
I can take it.
See?
It does not even bother me anymore.
But most important
I can maybe save a little piece of me.
So I work.
As hard as I can, to build.
O, I will still feel, but it will be dulled.
Yes, my heart still beats.
But you cannot hear it.
It is swaddled too well and too far from you.
I don't have much left of me and I need all I have.
Because it is all I have.
And once I have the safety there
Once I know no one can get in
I am at peace.
I push away the thought that maybe now…
Maybe now…
I cannot get out.
It does not matter
For all that matters is
I
Am
Safe.
Alone.
But safe.
Unhappy.
But safe.
Aching…
But safe.
My shield is so very like me, no one can tell.
I can smile and laugh and everyone thinks they know me.
And I do ok.
There is even one who sees inside, starts knocking around, stumbles inside.
I am afraid.
Did I leave a place uncovered, some weakness?
But, then he is gone. And I repair the damage done.
And I am safe again.
Proud I can protect myself.
Because I must.
Protect.
Myself.
But the protection becomes too close.
The loneliness too profound.
My secret soul hungers for warmth.
For life.
Well, I say, maybe we can try again.
We are protected now.
No one can get through ‘less we say so.
But things are different.
We want something different
…my little soul and me.
I think about it.
I feel about it.
The truth
The revelation
Is too much.
So, we will hide a little while longer.
Maybe
This feeling will go away.
Maybe
It will pass.
Maybe
I can be like everyone else.
Some try to push their way in.
But I am too smart.
I am too clever.
They cannot get in.
And I cannot get out.
And deep inside I sleep.
And
Then
There
Is
A
Voice.
Am I talking to myself?
I hear everything I want to hear.
My deepest thoughts echoed.
Secrets I have long held are gently revealed
And away melts the icy guilt that troubled me so long.
And there is
The Other.
And far down deep inside my soul smiles with joy.
But…
There is always the catch.
There is always the secret.
There is still my protection
Now grown tight and close.
Dare I let go?
No.
It is too much to ask.
I have worked so hard.
I have lost too much.
I will stay here
And
Be
Safe.
But…
Now my heart is drawn.
It is slow.
I do not see it at first.
I do not feel it at first.
I can only measure it by looking back.
And I look back.
And there
My suspicion
Behind me.
Dead and dying
Useless
And
Old.
I look behind me and
There
My shame
Exposed in all its redundancy.
I feel freer that I have felt
In so long my soul cannot
Remember the time.
But o
Too much.
I want to hide.
The calling the inexorable pulling
I am compelled
I need
I must
Listen and hear
And I must
Let go.
The warmth
The comfort
The purity
And intensity call me
I can feel them…
But.
I am still trapped
A hand
Cold about my mind
The whispers
The aching
The fear
It is so strong
It will not be denied
I cannot seem to shake it off
I am gripped from within.
So I hide it.
Can't appear weak.
I have to be strong.
What am I if not strong?
And then
The
Other
Reaches within me
Whispering
And touching
Does He even know the Fear is left?
I want to believe
I want to embrace the warmth
I want to be worthy.
But all I have left of
My little shelter
My little comfort…
Is my little fear.
And I hold desperately.
What happens after?
How can I know?
How will I survive with nowhere to hide?
Questions questions
Burning and hurting
Doubts and longings
Fed by the
Fear.
But He waits
And I breathe.
And we wait for Him.
Inside me, we fight sometimes.
And inside me, we hurt sometimes.
And inside me the
Fear still pushes and pulls.
But…
He is there.
No obstacle for Him
My armor
My fear...
Not dazzled by the show
Not taken in by my slippery tricks
He wants what is hidden
The small little shy one
Who for so long
I struggled
So hard
To protect.
And I resist.
It is all I have left
And I cry
And I wait
And I hope maybe the need to give
Will go away.
But growing stronger instead until I cannot resist
And inside of my heart
Something is broken
And slips away
And I look behind me
And there is my
Fear.
It is not mine anymore.
And now
I
Am all that is left.
And He calls for me
And he speaks to the me that will listen.
And he cares for the me that is stubborn.
And my soul is not mine anymore.
It is for Him.
He has seen it.
And it is His.
As I am His.
And have ever been.
And ever will be.
He is my Protection.
And my Shield.
His joy is mine.
And mine His.
And as His slave
I
Now
Am
Free.