Author: Molina © 1998


After so many years spent constructing 
As strong a barrier as I could 
It is so very hard to dismantle it. 
I look around to see this shield 
I have built 
So carefully 
Over time. 
Here, a memory snaps back at me. 
Recollections of pain. 
Hours alone, longing. 
Hours together, suffering. 
Wanting so much 
Not knowing what it was I needed. 
With each new hurt 
Defense becomes stronger. 
I am 
I can take it. 
It does not even bother me anymore. 
But most important 
I can maybe save a little piece of me. 
So I work. 
As hard as I can, to build. 
O, I will still feel, but it will be dulled. 
Yes, my heart still beats. 
But you cannot hear it. 
It is swaddled too well and too far from you. 
I don't have much left of me and I need all I have. 
Because it is all I have. 
And once I have the safety there 
Once I know no one can get in 
I am at peace. 
I push away the thought that maybe now… 
Maybe now… 
I cannot get out. 
It does not matter 
For all that matters is 

But safe. 
But safe. 
But safe. 
My shield is so very like me, no one can tell. 
I can smile and laugh and everyone thinks they know me. 
And I do ok. 
There is even one who sees inside, starts knocking around, stumbles inside. 
I am afraid. 
Did I leave a place uncovered, some weakness? 
But, then he is gone.  And I repair the damage done. 
And I am safe again. 
Proud I can protect myself. 
Because I must. 
But the protection becomes too close. 
The loneliness too profound. 
My secret soul hungers for warmth. 
For life. 
Well, I say, maybe we can try again. 
We are protected now. 
No one can get through ‘less we say so. 
But things are different. 
We want something different 
…my little soul and me. 
I think about it. 
I feel about it. 
The truth 
The revelation 
Is too much. 
So, we will hide a little while longer. 
This feeling will go away. 
It will pass. 
I can be like everyone else. 
Some try to push their way in. 
But I am too smart. 
I am too clever. 
They cannot get in. 
And I cannot get out. 
And deep inside I sleep. 

Am I talking to myself? 
I hear everything I want to hear. 
My deepest thoughts echoed. 
Secrets I have long held are gently revealed 
And away melts the icy guilt that troubled me so long. 
And there is 
The Other. 
And far down deep inside my soul smiles with joy. 
There is always the catch. 
There is always the secret. 
There is still my protection 
Now grown tight and close. 
Dare I let go? 
It is too much to ask. 
I have worked so hard. 
I have lost too much. 
I will stay here 
Now my heart is drawn. 
It is slow. 
I do not see it at first. 
I do not feel it at first. 
I can only measure it by looking back. 
And I look back. 
And there 
My suspicion 
Behind me. 
Dead and dying 
I look behind me and 
My shame 
Exposed in all its redundancy. 
I feel freer that I have felt 
In so long my soul cannot 
Remember the time. 
But o 
Too much. 
I want to hide. 
The calling the inexorable pulling 
I am compelled 
I need 
I must 
Listen and hear 
And I must 
Let go. 
The warmth 
The comfort 
The purity 
And intensity call me 
I can feel them… 
I am still trapped 
A hand 
Cold about my mind 
The whispers 
The aching 
The fear 
It is so strong 
It will not be denied 
I cannot seem to shake it off 
I am gripped from within. 
So I hide it. 
Can't appear weak. 
I have to be strong. 
What am I if not strong? 
And then 
Reaches within me 
And touching 
Does He even know the Fear is left? 
I want to believe 
I want to embrace the warmth 
I want to be worthy. 
But all I have left of 
My little shelter 
My little comfort… 
Is my little fear. 
And I hold desperately. 
What happens after? 
How can I know? 
How will I survive with nowhere to hide? 
Questions questions 
Burning and hurting 
Doubts and longings 
Fed by the 
But He waits 
And I breathe. 
And we wait for Him. 
Inside me, we fight sometimes. 
And inside me, we hurt sometimes. 
And inside me the 
Fear still pushes and pulls. 
He is there. 
No obstacle for Him 
My armor 
My fear... 
Not dazzled by the show 
Not taken in by my slippery tricks 
He wants what is hidden 
The small little shy one 
Who for so long 
I struggled 
So hard 
To protect. 
And I resist. 
It is all I have left 
And I cry 
And I wait 
And I hope maybe the need to give 
Will go away. 
But growing stronger instead until I cannot resist 
And inside of my heart 
Something is broken 
And slips away 
And I look behind me 
And there is my 
It is not mine anymore. 
And now 

Am all that is left. 
And He calls for me 
And he speaks to the me that will listen. 
And he cares for the me that is stubborn. 
And my soul is not mine anymore. 
It is for Him. 
He has seen it. 
And it is His. 
As I am His. 
And have ever been. 
And ever will be. 
He is my Protection. 
And my Shield. 
His joy is mine. 
And mine His. 
And as His slave 


-For Master PeeCauque







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