Author: bella © 2001


i lay here body screaming in its need....

i know it is wrong to want so much...especially when it is a want that
cannot be is tears you up.....

it triggers all kinds of wrong emotions....jealousy of those who get
it....anger for not being one of them...depression.....sadness.....all kinds
of things...and sometimes they spill.....

the need rages in me...the need to be beaten into submission -
literally....the need to be sexed into unconsciousness.....the need to hit
peaks of intensity of sensation.....the need to be restrained into feel the peaks and valleys of energy play til

the need to get out of my own head...not for a few minutes fleetingly...but
for some extended leave myself as not even sleep will let me....

sometimes this need takes over...and i want to kill whoever is in my way is is is insane...but, it is there....

it is the reason why i clamped down my is not
something i can provide myself with, and i have no right to demand it of
anyone else....i become like a rapist - only i want to force someone to glut
me with sensation.....

the need makes me violent...irrational...unstable....

unsated, i want to scream, cry....rend....tear.....

knowing that somoene else has had that need fulfilled makes me want to
destroy them a starving man knowing of others having thanksgiving
feast.....knowing that someone who might slake my need has given this gift
to another when i hunger breaks all my bounds of rationality..i become less
than civilized....i rage......

other than denying it entirely..i do not know how to deal with the is like vampiric is is is nearly insatiable.....

and i have no right to expect anyone to accommodate it.....

so - how does one control it?? how can one survive with such a hunger??

*hanging head...watching the tears drop*

what does one do, when you are afraid to touch yourself for you fear that in
your need you will draw your own blood in frustrated desire?






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