I sit here knowing what I wish to accomplish with this article, but unsure where to start. I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. I first began what I term my official learning of BDSM in 1996. But I have been involved in different aspects of the lifestyle my whole life. I have always been amazed at the things I see in myself when I look back, now that I have the terminology and knowledge to apply to those past actions. As I look back on my life I can see obvious submissive traits as part of my inherent personality. I have always wanted to please others, even going so far as to set my own needs aside. Something that caused me to get into some very bad situations and unhealthy relationships. I'm not saying that being submissive is what causes a person to enter into an abusive relationship. I am saying that for me, it played a contributing role as well as many other things. When I could make someone else happy, I found that it made me feel good inside. Helping someone else did the same thing. I used to believe that saying no made me a bad person, and I had no right to say no to anything. That is something that by learning about BDSM and therefor myself has changed. Those qualities, for me, were easily manipulated by others. 

   For over 15 years I have always had some form of "kink" involved in my sex life. From being tied to a bed with neckties, to spankings. I used to hide those things from other people. Not wanting anyone to know I was "perverted". Being ashamed of liking kinky activities was often painful for me. But I never stopped including bondage in my sex life for very long. I used to wonder why I would continue to do something that made me feel ashamed and guilty. Now I know why. 

   Eventually the bondage games broadened to include pain play. Mostly hand spankings on my bare buttocks. I remember the first time I had a spanking as an adult. Compared to now, it was almost nothing in comparison. But I remember how sore my buttocks were and the bruises which appeared. Eventually that stopped happening. Now I know that those bruises, and the length of time the sting lasted were due to the fact that I was a "spanking novice". ( I laugh at that term, it just sounds funny.) Well, anyway, these spanking games moved on to include toys. Never anything harsher than a belt, and the belt was always used sparingly and not very often. But I craved something more than just the play. Don't get me wrong, the play was great and I enjoyed it completely. But emotionally and mentally I needed more.

   It drove me crazy trying to figure out what the "more" was. Constantly arguing with myself. Thinking things like "You're selfish", "You're just never satisfied" and worse things. I suppose you could say I beat myself up over it. Hmmm, emotional masochist?? (LOL) Honestly though, the confusion and lack of knowledge really bothered me. It was painful and frustrating to the extreme.

   I discovered what the more was accidentally and in of all places, Penthouse Letters ©. There used to be a section in there called "Bondage and Discipline". From those letters I started to think that maybe, just maybe, I was not a sick person. That there were people out there who liked the things that I liked. It gave me some hope that there wasn't anything really wrong with me. 

   Through Penthouse Letters I ordered a catalog called the Xandria Collection. It is for adult toys. (vibrators, dildos, books, etc.) IN that catalog I found a few books. The Beauty Series (fiction) and an autobiography of a pro-domme called Whips And Kisses. I ordered them. The first one I read was "The Claiming Of Sleeping Beauty". WOW! Did it ever turn me on. Sure it was a fantasy and fiction, but it called to something deep inside me. I remember sitting there and wishing I could give control of myself to another like that. How freeing it would be. Now I had an idea of what I wanted. I read the Whips and KIsses book and for the first time I got a look at the terminology of BDSM. Sub, submissive, bottom, Top, dominant, sadism, masochist, role play, corporal punishment, etc. etc. My head was spinning, but i remember my heart was pounding and my mind went, " Yes, that's it!". I had no clue where to find more information but I had found what it was that I wanted. I wanted to  be free by giving control of myself to another. I wanted submission. I wanted the power exchange in D/s, not just the B&D and S&M. 

   I discussed this with my then husband and we tried it. I loved it, but he quickly lost interest. he could not maintain his dominance for more than 2 weeks at a time. In many areas he was more submissive than dominant, but I lacked the knowledge to know that then. The on and off again D/s would frustrate me and confuse me. Knowing what I know now, I can look back and see clearly that he is a Top (by my definition of the term) but not a dominant. Which most of the time, was ok with me. The idea of being submissive all the time, though welcome by most of me, scared the daylights out of me. And I was still struggling with it being a sick and depraved thing, still having difficulty believing there was not something wrong with me. It also went against everything I was raised to believe. The whole equality of the sexes thing. Oftentimes I would cry with frustration over the confusion in my heart and mind. We settled into a routine of on and off D/s while incorporating B&D and S&M into our sex life. Eventually the relationship ended in a divorce, but the BDSM had nothing to do with that. 

   When the divorce happened, I decided that BDSM would no longer be a part of my life. Boy was I ever wrong! But that belongs in the next part.