Novice Questions

Author: TorqueDom © 2000


Novice sub questions.

In a message <<snip>> writes:

<<i approach it with alacrity. i am willing to follow an unknown path if my guide is trustworthy and good. >>

My biggest fear is a novice sub who discovers this lifestyle, especially if it's been a long hidden desire, and acts on it too quickly, especially with someone who hasn't earned her trust. They tend to put themselves into situations and "settle" for Doms that don't have their best interests in mind. Please, if you don't hear anything else I say... SLOW DOWN. Learn more about what it is you're looking for. It's not enough to decide you're 
submissive. There are different techniques, styles, patterns, beliefs, and thinking on it. The trick isn't finding a Dom, the trick is finding a Dom that has similar interests and expectations. 
The answer to all these questions is the same ... sometimes. To me, D/s is a sensual act, and most often includes sexual activity. I don't want to sound like Bill Clinton, but it doesn't have to include intercourse, if you choose not to. To say it has NOTHING to do with sex seems silly to me. When a woman is naked and kneeling in front of me, I get a hardon. One of D/s's dirty little secrets is that there are men who find the lifestyle because they cant achieve or maintain an erection under "normal" circumstances. Once they put 
down the flogger, everything else goes down with it. It's only common sense that these men may have a resentment towards women, and having a woman subservient to them empowers them. Not surprising these Doms teach that D/s has nothing to do with sex.

A Dom's motivations vary as much as the subs... some are healthy, some aren't. I already outlined a bad motivation. To other's, it a feeling of strength, empowerment... pride that this woman is willing to give her trust and well-being to me. It's a lot of responsibility, and takes great effort and wisdom, and sometimes pain ... but the rewards are amazing.

It can be part-time, 24/7 or a bedroom activity. It can be an integral part of your personality, or a role-playing game. It can include humiliating acts, and corporal punishment, or not. It can be a loving, committed monogamous relationship, or a "family" of play partners or polyamourous relationship. 
These are negotiated choices between you and any prospective partner. Advice: don't settle. if it doesn't sound good to you... don't do it.

<< i am  hesitant and a bit apprehensive.  i am also excited and anticipatory.  i long to expand my horizons.  but, i will not give up my self esteem - it is tenuous at times.  it needs to be nurtured, not annihilated.  
does submission bring humiliation?  must i leave much of "me" behind?  and what of respect?  it is a given that i will respect my Dom.  will he also respect me? >>

Some Doms like to humiliate. It makes them feel powerful. They try to strip you of your humanity. It's easier to keep someone that has lost their will. Ask any abused wife. MY thinking is that D/s, above all else, should be FUN. If it's not healthy, enjoyable,  and pleasurable, why do it? It is a relationship built on MUTUAL respect. 

Humiliation is a long, sensitive subject. Humiliation is destructive, a tearing down of one's self-esteem. I have no desire to harm my property. In the beginning of a relationship, when you don't know your partner's 
motivations and "style," you may be asked to perform acts that you might see as humiliating. You take a leap of faith, and perform them, hoping (knowing) the person you're submitting to means you no harm. As the relationship grows, so does the trust. If you know your partner is only interested in your well-being, there's little he could ask of you that you would find humiliating. Your understanding of his motivation is crucial. If you know that he is asking you to do something that's difficult, that he's asking you because he wants to be proud of you, and is not trying to tear you down, you wont be humiliated by it. It may appear to be a humiliating ACT to an outside observer... but you will feel pride that you are serving him so well.  Of 
course there are people who desire the feeling of being humiliated, like to have that part of themselves stripped away. They tell me it's an exhilarating feeling. If it works for them, that's great. You have to decide what works for you.
 <<submission means "submitting to."  to what do I submit?  Do I submit my total self?  or just a part?  my mind?  my body?  my will?  do I submit to a philosophy?   to pleasure?  to pain?>>

Again... you take it as far or as limited as feels comfortable to you, and the partner you choose. Every relationship is different

<<Do I submit to you (rhetorically speaking)?  To others?  Do I submit to my will or yours?  Do I submit my will to yours?  Must I be silent and all accepting?  Of everything?>>

The fact that you've learned that you have submissive feelings does NOT mean you have to submit to everyone... or anyone, for that matter. I believe you're not only submitting to your partner's will, but have to set aside many of the lessons you've been taught from an early age of being strong and individual and that you shouldn't let a man dominate you.

Never be silent. Any potential partner that says things like, "I am the Master, I know what's best for you. You never question my decisions or rules. If you're my sub, you should trust me and obey me without question" is a BIG red flag. It's been my experience that people that don't like being asked questions probably don't have the answers. If you have questions, you ask for permission to ask them. You wait for the proper time to submit them, and trust that your partner will take them into consideration. They may not 
answer immediately, but you have a right to expect an answer.
 << i am still not certain what to actually expect.  when I've  thought about submitting, it has been in a sexual setting only.  i think there is something very erotic about being powerless and being slowly driven to exquisite excitement by a man.  the idea of having someone know my sexual responses so well that they can cause immediate desire by something as seemingly simple as a whisper of touch across my breast or even a few well-chosen words,  is enticing.  For me, the idea of submission is appealing because it promises sex beyond what I ever thought possible, without the responsibility of thinking of another's needs.  Selfishness is permitted and it frees emotions and actions whose origins lie in pleasing and satisfying a partner.>>

Well said. If your interest is primarily physical, that's great. Nobody says you have to give your partner control of every aspect of your life. Perhaps his advice and opinions will guide you. Hopefully, his experience, knowledge and common sense will shine thru, and you'll value his opinions more. Eventually, as the relationship grows, if you choose to cohabitate, you might give over power to other aspects of your life. 
 <<The more I read, the more questions I have....... how do i find a Dom?  and then what happens?  will i receive training?  if so, how long does it take?  does this training involve discipline?  if yes, what discipline?  what ultimately, does a Dom want from me?  what can i expect from him? >>

I'd be glad to give your screen name, with your permission, to a friend that's active in the <state> BDSM community. Her screen name is <<snip>>. She can help you find safe venues to meet others, and attend discussions and demonstrations in a non-play setting. You can also find local support groups and munches at

"Training" is another issue. Helping a novice by guiding them to information and safety is one thing, proclaiming yourself a "Trainer" or "Mentor" is another. How does one person "train" you to please someone else... especially someone you haven't met yet? Unfortunately online, these "titles" are a way for some to validate themselves. it's also a way to take advantage of a novice, and "play" with them without any of the commitment. After all, you weren't their sub, they were just training you.  When you meet a potential 
partner, and start the process of learning each other, he may offer a "training collar," not unlike an engagement ring. Symbolic of a potential relationship, a prelude to ownership. Of course, you may meet someone at a club that you choose to play with, and he may "collar" you for the limited time you are together. There is no right or wrong here... just different practices.

<< Although it seems like a contradiction, I suspect that submitting brings a sense of freedom.  I wonder if that is what all who submit feel.  As I become more drawn in, will I feel more free; is it exponential?  And what of after?  I will have changed.  Will I be happy with relationships that haven't changed as I have?  Will they be bland, dull?>>

Many say that D/s relationships tend to be deeper, more intense, because of the level of communication and trust. Many who experience that level of feeling and desire say they could never go back to "bland vanilla." Yes, every new experience involves change. It's up to you to make sure those changes are what you want, and stay positive. The highs in D/s are soaring, but the lows are just as powerful. If you are in a committed "vanilla" relationship, such as a marriage, I warn you, this could change your whole life.

 <<In spite of my inquiries, I am intrigued. I'm sorry i am so full of questions.  obviously, being succinct is not one of my gifts!  thank you for your patience and whatever answers you care to give, ***>>

I think what you need to keep in mind while you learn and hear all these conflicting opinions is that there are no "answers."  There is no one right way, no rulebook, no laws. You read everything with a grain of salt, listen to everyone with a cautious ear, and then make sound, practical decisions about yourself, and your desires. Listen to everyone, take what works for you, and leave the rest behind. 



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