Novice
Questions
Author: TorqueDom © 2000 |
Novice sub questions.
In a message <<snip>> writes: <<i approach it with alacrity. i am willing to follow an unknown path if my guide is trustworthy and good. >> My biggest fear is a novice sub who discovers this lifestyle,
especially if it's been a long hidden desire, and acts on it too quickly,
especially with someone who hasn't earned her trust. They tend to put
themselves into situations and "settle" for Doms that don't have their
best interests in mind. Please, if you don't hear anything else I say...
SLOW DOWN. Learn more about what it is you're looking for. It's not
enough to decide you're A Dom's motivations vary as much as the subs... some are healthy, some aren't. I already outlined a bad motivation. To other's, it a feeling of strength, empowerment... pride that this woman is willing to give her trust and well-being to me. It's a lot of responsibility, and takes great effort and wisdom, and sometimes pain ... but the rewards are amazing. It can be part-time, 24/7 or a bedroom activity. It can
be an integral part of your personality, or a role-playing game. It
can include humiliating acts, and corporal punishment, or not. It can
be a loving, committed monogamous relationship, or a "family" of play
partners or polyamourous relationship. << i am hesitant and a bit apprehensive.
i am also excited and anticipatory. i long to expand my horizons.
but, i will not give up my self esteem - it is tenuous at times.
it needs to be nurtured, not annihilated. Some Doms like to humiliate. It makes them feel powerful. They try to strip you of your humanity. It's easier to keep someone that has lost their will. Ask any abused wife. MY thinking is that D/s, above all else, should be FUN. If it's not healthy, enjoyable, and pleasurable, why do it? It is a relationship built on MUTUAL respect. Humiliation is a long, sensitive subject. Humiliation
is destructive, a tearing down of one's self-esteem. I have no desire
to harm my property. In the beginning of a relationship, when you don't
know your partner's Again... you take it as far or as limited as feels comfortable to you, and the partner you choose. Every relationship is different <<Do I submit to you (rhetorically speaking)? To others? Do I submit to my will or yours? Do I submit my will to yours? Must I be silent and all accepting? Of everything?>> The fact that you've learned that you have submissive feelings does NOT mean you have to submit to everyone... or anyone, for that matter. I believe you're not only submitting to your partner's will, but have to set aside many of the lessons you've been taught from an early age of being strong and individual and that you shouldn't let a man dominate you. Never be silent. Any potential partner that says things
like, "I am the Master, I know what's best for you. You never question
my decisions or rules. If you're my sub, you should trust me and obey
me without question" is a BIG red flag. It's been my experience that
people that don't like being asked questions probably don't have the
answers. If you have questions, you ask for permission to ask them.
You wait for the proper time to submit them, and trust that your partner
will take them into consideration. They may not Well said. If your interest is primarily physical, that's
great. Nobody says you have to give your partner control of every aspect
of your life. Perhaps his advice and opinions will guide you. Hopefully,
his experience, knowledge and common sense will shine thru, and you'll
value his opinions more. Eventually, as the relationship grows, if you
choose to cohabitate, you might give over power to other aspects of
your life. I'd be glad to give your screen name, with your permission, to a friend that's active in the <state> BDSM community. Her screen name is <<snip>>. She can help you find safe venues to meet others, and attend discussions and demonstrations in a non-play setting. You can also find local support groups and munches at http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html "Training" is another issue. Helping a novice by guiding
them to information and safety is one thing, proclaiming yourself a
"Trainer" or "Mentor" is another. How does one person "train" you to
please someone else... especially someone you haven't met yet? Unfortunately
online, these "titles" are a way for some to validate themselves. it's
also a way to take advantage of a novice, and "play" with them without
any of the commitment. After all, you weren't their sub, they were just
training you. When you meet a potential << Although it seems like a contradiction, I suspect that submitting brings a sense of freedom. I wonder if that is what all who submit feel. As I become more drawn in, will I feel more free; is it exponential? And what of after? I will have changed. Will I be happy with relationships that haven't changed as I have? Will they be bland, dull?>> Many say that D/s relationships tend to be deeper, more intense, because of the level of communication and trust. Many who experience that level of feeling and desire say they could never go back to "bland vanilla." Yes, every new experience involves change. It's up to you to make sure those changes are what you want, and stay positive. The highs in D/s are soaring, but the lows are just as powerful. If you are in a committed "vanilla" relationship, such as a marriage, I warn you, this could change your whole life. <<In spite of my inquiries, I am intrigued. I'm sorry i am so full of questions. obviously, being succinct is not one of my gifts! thank you for your patience and whatever answers you care to give, ***>> I think what you need to keep in mind while you learn and hear all these conflicting opinions is that there are no "answers." There is no one right way, no rulebook, no laws. You read everything with a grain of salt, listen to everyone with a cautious ear, and then make sound, practical decisions about yourself, and your desires. Listen to everyone, take what works for you, and leave the rest behind. |
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