Common Insults Thrown At New Submissives

Author: Raven Shadowborne © May 1, 1999


 Since I have been online, I have met many different people. Some of whom turned out to be less than honest, most of whom turned out to be very close to (if not exactly) how they appeared on line, in real life. One of the things I have noticed though, is a trend from those who label themselves as dominants, to insult a submissive whenever he/she thinks for themselves.  This seems to occur most frequently when a submissive questions a dominant's actions when a relationship is just starting. In many cases it seems that those insults are tossed out to lay guilt or blame of some sort on the submissive. In some instances it appears that the insult is being used to manipulate the submissive into obedience for something they are not comfortable with by guilting them into it. It seems to work very well with those who are new to the lifestyle. I, personally, find this practice abhorrent to say the least. So I wanted to write a little bit about this topic. 

The first insult that gets tossed is "You are not a true submissive!". Well since no one really knows what a true submissive is, this is a fairly ridiculous statement. Further, since the only person who knows whether or not someone is a submissive to any degree is that person themselves, no one else has the right to tell them what they are. Mostly this insult is thrown out by people who think a submissive means someone that meekly accepts anything from everyone at all times, no matter what. The problem is, this insult can make many people feel that they are indeed not submissive which may or may not be true. as well, it can be tossed as a manipulative statement to get someone to do something they do not want to do out of a fear that if they don't they will not gain acceptance into this lifestyle. I feel that this statement is often used in the same way as the "If you really loved me, you would" statement from the teen years when one's boyfriend/girlfriend tried to get more physical intimacy than the other was willing to give at the time. 

Another common insult to submissives is "You are really a dom/me in sub's clothing" or similar statements. Again, since the only person who can 100% know what is inside another person at any given moment is that person themselves, this statement is negated. It often is used by people to lay blame on a submissive for asking a question of something they are not sure of. I have very rarely seen or heard of any dominant that does not allow their submissive to ask a question, especially if the topic is something which is really upsetting or bothering the submissive. 

Interestingly enough, these insults (and others, which can be placed in either of the two above categories) are most often used against those who are new to the lifestyle, by people who are not truly seeking a BDSM relationship, but instead seem to be seeking an occasional play partner. In the case of someone who is mentoring a new person to this lifestyle, as the relationship goes on, eventually the subject of whether or not the mentor thinks the submissive is indeed a submissive, will come up. In the circumstances that the mentor has good knowledge of the submissive, then the statement may indeed be spoken as the truth. Though, I feel that in those cases the submissive may have already figured that out for themselves. 

Another thing I have noticed with these insults is that many try to say there is only one right way to be submissive and use these statements to dismiss anyone that does not fit their view of what a submissive is. This is false as well. There are many different levels of submission and many different kinds of submissives. I feel that instead of insulting someone who is different than the kind of submissive one may be looking for, it is more desirable to try and understand this particular person's needs and desires. Doing this will increase tolerance and one's personal understanding of BDSM in general. One may be very surprised by how much one can learn from someone who is different from themselves. 

In a lifestyle that is as varied as this one is, the people who insist on throwing such insults at others do this lifestyle and themselves a great disservice. The biggest thing which seems to pervade every relationship is consent at one point. Using viscious insults to manipulate a person into obedience negates that consent in my opinion. Further, I believe, it shows a true lack of understanding of this lifestyle and the thiings which make up domination and submission. Manipulation through belittling and guilt, do not (in my opinion) make a dominant. The submission of another human being is earned through a gaining of trust, not demanded or taken through guilt trips. A BDSM relationship should make both parties feel secure in themselves, not tear down their self esteem. Manipulative insults undermine the development of a healthy D/s relationship and serve no purprose other than to prevent a person from seeing their own actions for what they are by laying the blame on someone else.

Each person in this lifestyle must decide for themselves what they consider to be BDSM and what they do not, but they should also keep in mind that another's view may differ and that does not make their view wrong.


Back To Journey Into Submission
E-mail Site Owner
Back To Home Page
Page By Raven Shadowborne & Aylissa Cair © 1999




LnR Toy Store

Site Map


To hear of changes to the web site, or events taking place in the chat room, enter your e-mail address and click on the button below to join the LnRannounce mailing list. This is an announcement list only and is of very low volume. Or if you prefer, e-mail Raven ( ) to be added to the list, be sure to include your e-mail address and the name of the list within the e-mail.

Subscribe to LnRannounce
Powered by
Link To Domination