On Slavery

Author: missy in chains © April 2002


Used With Permission Of The Author



the term slave seems to have many meanings in this lifestyle. certainly my definition, based more on old guard philosophy, is much different than that of the so called "new guard".

this subject came up at the Educational Weekend. i mentioned to a Dominant that as a slave i have no limits. She quickly responded, oh yes you do. well sheesh, that really threw me and i was speechless. however, She continued and said as a slave you take on the limits of your Owner(s).

now that makes sense to me and is a very important point. when negotiating with a Dominant, open and honest communication is very important for it is only through that that trust and respect truly take place. it also determines the sense of compatability, the scope or latitude that a slave has and most important the degree of sincerity.

some slaves are highly restricted/controlled, others have great latitude and many are somewhere in between. does that make any particular M/s relation right or wrong, absolutely not. how a M/s relationship is viewed externally is totally unimportant. what is important is that it works for the individuals involved.

i have been in M/s relationships at both extremes and i certainly now know what type of relationship is best for me. but it took those learning experiences for me to actually find what was right for me. so exploring various types of M/s relationships can be a good thing for personal growth.

while the different types of M/s relationships may appear to be at opposite ends of the spectrum, they have or should have at least four things in common:
- for one, the Dominant is always in control and makes the decisions. The degree of latitude given is simply a matter of what pleases the Dominant and can be changed at any time.
- secondly, in entering into any M/s relationship the Dominant takes on the responsibility for the emotional, mental and physical well being of their prized possession.
- thirdly, the slave gives the gift of submission based on a consentual agreement and thereby empowers the Dominant.
- lastly, for the relationship to work there needs to be a high level of open and honest communication, trust, and respect going both ways.

as far as being sold, given away or lent out this is not necessarily a bad thing. personally, i would question the depth or intensity of the M/s relationship if my Dominant wanted to sell or give me away. having said that, and if the initial relationship was for training purpose, i can see that happening. it takes a great deal of trust to feel comfortable that your Dominant will not do anything to harm you, to agree to being sold, given away, or lent out.

one may enter a M/s relationship and find that over time that either party, for reasons beyond their control, cannot keep their agreement. this may necessitate, a change in Dominants or submissives. in my case i was lent out to help me grow as a person, and because my Owners could not fulfill some of my needs.

what i don't agree with in any M/s relationship is a Total Power Exchange (TPE). turning over all one's possessions on entering the M/s relationship is totally nuts, imho. given time i can see where they maybe viewed as O/our possessions.

getting slightly off track here, i want to bring up the topic of polyamourous versus monogamous relationships as there are many similarities. what is right for one, is not necessarily right for another. it is a matter of choice or preference based on the individual's needs, wants and desires. just because you prefer one side of the coin doesn't mean that the opposite side is wrong in totality, it is just wrong for you.

if you are considering getting into a M/s relationship and are a relative newbie to this level of submission, i would recommend you get the book Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns, and study chapter 4 very closely. heck i would recommend the book to everyone in the lifestyle.

always remember, prior to entering into any relationship both you and the potential Dominant are equals, there has been no power exchange at this point in time, this is the negotiation stage. make sure you are comfortable with the terms of the relationship. don't feel shy about asking questions, a good Dominant will expect and welcome it. take your time and get to know the Dominant inside and out so to speak.

if you find that in negotiations, that you and the Dominant just can't see eye to eye, this isn't a bad thing. it doesn't mean that you are a bad submissive or they are a bad Dominant, it just means that perhaps you two are not compatable. it is better to find that out in the beginning than sometime later after the relationship has started. it is better to be disappointed at the outset, then to be emotionally hurt sometime in the future.

in making the compatability decision i always ask myself, would i want the Dominant as a close personal friend and is the Dominant's interests similar to mine. if the answer to either question is no or i don't know, then something is wrong. it could be that W/we just need to get to know each other better or it maybe that i need to realize W/we are just wrong for each other in a committed relationship other than friends. i have Dominant friends that in no way shape or form, i would ever submit to. doesn't mean that i won't play with them or don't respect or trust them, it just means that W/we are not compatable as Owner/slave.

much as slavery may seem very attractive from the outside looking in, it is not for everyone. the gift of submission a slave makes is one of giving up control 24/7/52/365 and that is a commitment that many are not ready to make or can't make for various reasons. many in the lifestyle are quite happy establishing fixed parameters or limits on the relationship. does that make the Dominant/submissive any less committed than an Owner/slave or the relationship any less intense than a M/s relation? absolutely not, it just makes it different.



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