Losing My Master and Surviving

Author: maggie (onlyasIamallowed) © 2002

maggie, you have my deepest grattitude for sharing your story and healing with me and with my site. Thank you very much for allowing me to place your words here. **raven

All articles are used with the permission of the author(s).


Mourning and grieving…there are so many books, groups; self help tapes, cousonlors out there for when you lose a love one. Husband, Fiance, Wife, Father, Mother, sister, brother, friend…. have you ever noticed nothing on how to deal with the loss of you Master/Mistress or submissive/slave for the matter. So in writing this article I am hoping to heal my self and perhaps lend a helping hand in someone's survival if needed and I do hope my words are never needed by anyone, but reality we all lose someone sometime.

Like thousands of other men and woman I lost the love of life on Sept. 11, 2001. Not only was he the love of my life, he was my Master; the reason I took a breathe everyday, the man I lived to serve, please, love and cherish. In a moment I lost us, I lost me, I lost everything. I had to face the world by myself on a high wire with the safety net below gone…. and I didn't want to take a step, up so high with nothing to catch me. I had to take that step and I needed to figure out how to do it, if I didn't I would fall, so I needed to find the strength.

Here I am a year later still healing, but if I look down the net is there for me in case I do fall, and I know now it never wasn't not there, let me explain how I survived the worst thing in my life, Losing my Master; and I survived only because of Master and his strength and that safety he always gave me he left it with me even in his death. I just had to see it there. I needed to once again find my focus.

I have gone thru many stages this pass year, all the normal grief stages so I am told, but how do you explain to someone that doesn't understand the way of life I chose to live not only do I miss the man the love of my life but my Master I miss and don't know how to not serve him. That was the toughest thing to deal with, not serving him. Everyday I woke to serve him and went to bed serving him in whatever matter was necessary or called upon for me to do so. My life was structured my life was filled with love yes but my life was also filled with discipline and respect and satisfaction and safety. Then it's gone well, you know what I realized it wasn't gone it's still here, I just had to find it, no I didn't find it in another Dom, Ken left it here for me so I can heal, till I chose to serve another. I made some mistakes in this year true I made a move I spent time with people I shouldn't have given my time to, but it was all by healing process and I needed all those mistakes to realize I was going to be OK.

I have this need like most submissives to serve and to be controlled, to not have it suddenly because of death well it almost killed me. I see clearer now and I know I was happy very happy even if it wasn't my forever it was Masters, I was left behind for other reasons I haven't figured it out yet but I know I was. I have an advantage over many people from Sept 11th the last thing My master heard me say was I love you be safe and see you tonight, he then kissed my lips with his hand on my face, told me "Don't forget your list I love you too Princess I'll call you later" he then got out of the car and I never seen him again. He was killed that morning at 8:34am he left me a voicemail as he did every morning. Princess I'm at the office thanks for a wonderful breakfast call me later love you. Well, 8:48am before I received the message he left me, a plane hit his building. He worked on the 96th floor. He was killed.

I think now that his last thoughts were of me; I know that man died but he died happy. I know emotionaly he had everything he wanted in his life. He lived his life just as he always fantasized it would be. He had his house, his princess, his every desire filled, he knew he was taken care of and taken care of well. He knew a simple look from him could have me do anything. When he was killed he was a very happy man. Our relationship was filled with trust and communication. If he was disappointed in me I knew it and I corrected it as I was instructed to do. If he pushed me too hard, he knew it and he knew where to stop untill I was ready to be pushed harder.

In serving him I served myself, I was able to function because of my service to him. Now I didn't have him and I couldn't function. I couldn't remember my life before him so I couldn't possibly live my life without him. As I was slipping deeper and deeper into failure and destroying myself from pure agony, I realized something, I realized I served this man but I also made him proud. He was proud of the woman I was. He held me high on a pedestal. I was a princess, I was still that woman, I know I was I could still make him proud. So that day I brushed my self off and decided to make a list. I would get a list every day with my Tasks, some the same daily, some days with extras that needed to be done. Well, I tasked myself I wrote down my tasks. I took a shower and prepared myself as I did for years in my service to my Master. I couldn't lose who I was, I could lose the girl that he was so very proud of, the one he put up there on that pedestal I couldn't do that to him or his memory. I was blessed, as we all are when we figure out our life's path, I was blessed to have lived the life I did with him. I am grateful, for that. Am so proud that I was the one that he was with till his death I was the one that made him happy I hold that like a badge of honor.

No, I don't serve him anymore for he is not here to receive it, but until I chose to serve another, I serve myself, I continue to push my limits on a daily basis, however I can. I take care of myself, my house, my animals and I hope to one day serve another, not sure if I will, not sure if I am willing to take my collar off for another's, that will take some time to figure that out and it's OK. Cause I got thru the year and I have time I have time to make the mistakes to grow cause that safety he always gave me when he was alive he left it behind he left it in me. He gave me his strength, I just had to realize it and learn how to use it. I had to submit to myself and I did.

I don't know if my words are going to help anyone else on the loss of there Master/Mistress. I had to find it my self this is how I did it. I am proud to be who I am and to have served whom I served and to have loved whom I loved.

I do miss him yes so very much, I miss his smell, and his touch, and the way I was able to give him total power over me. I will miss that till the day I take my last breathe, but knowing the day he took his breathe he had everything he had ached for and he had it cause I gave it to him, with my gift to him I received the strongest strength I ever known, his strength will always be with me and I am truly grateful to be the one who received it.

Everyday is another day of healing and I continue to heal, perhaps in a year, I'll understand more and will be able to share with others, Right now this is where I am standing high above the earth looking down at that net so strong that never left me in the first place, I see it now as I take another step…..



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