Dealing With Releases

Author: maddierose © 2002


used with permission of the author



i have been seeing so many breakups lately, some are handled with dignity and pride and the parties involved have parted mutually and with a respect that can be envied by many. i think a lot of the bitterness in other situations i have seen in breakups comes because we like to think we've been understood completely by the person we were in love with. Especially when the breakup happens really fast and unexpectedly, you're left feeling that this sensation of being intimately aware of another person, of finally finding someone who understands you and accepts you, never really existed outside your imagination or the lost hope you once held for the relationship. It's more like a betrayal thing i think, not an abuse thing or something exploitative. More like "I handed you my soul to carry around and you dropped it. How could you?" type of thing.

i wonder how many times over the course of the last two years of running my group and its original predecessor we have seen that question of what to do after the release happens. i guess my advice to anyone out there who is going through a hard breakup would simply be to find something you like to do and make it your focus for a while, nothing helps to build one's self back up like doing something you enjoy to do and do it well, it gives you a sense of pride within yourself knowing you can accomplish things and have positive outcomes. It really helps you find out who you are and what you like to do when you can feel relaxed and able to remain calm so you can think, and it also helps to remember that there are other things in this life besides the "scene". Knowing what you want the next time comes from knowing yourself, use the time you now have to read over things you wrote or to mentally go over the things you didn't have pleasure in during the relationship but remember it is probably more important to also think of the good that was once there. Being able to recognize what you want from life, you will know that the person that is now gone from your life did not and does not make or break you.

One thing i have noticed after some of the break ups we have seen on here (online), there is often this need to sort of 're-define' your image of that person in terms of how we recall them or our memories with them. i believe it's at this point we see what it is we're actually made of. i once read the saying, "Any man can show kindness to his friends.. it is how a man deals with his enemies where we see his mercy put to the test." People meet, they fall in love and even in good relationships people still get hurt.

Some people, after breaking up, choose to take a very harsh turn on their former beloved, the one they once claimed devotion, love, service, respect and trust in. The only things coming out of the heart and mouth are "..all the times they hurt me, let me down, disappointed me... etc.". The temptation is there. i know, i myself too easily have dwelt on how "so and so did this or that, how unjust! how unkind! how dare they do this! yadda yadda yadda It runs through the theater of your mind like some awful B rate movie, or worse, a bad version of Payton Place (an old movie i caught last week on the classic movie chan.). But then what? You walk around filled with angst, hurt, a sense of injustice and bitterness that entertains no one nor does anything to help you grow as a person. Wigging out for a couple days is understandable, but it's not to be a lifetime occupation, this twisted bitterness that shows up on your doorstep the moment hurt strikes you deep.

There is of course this really radical way of thinking i was once taught as a child from this sweet little ole lady i called "Grandmamma" that i seem to recall a time or two to being very useful when its time to move on. i've found it to be a much less painful way to handle things instead of allowing the hurt to drag me down and destroy me, and make me look like a twisted bitter filled individual, it's called 'forgiveness'. Okay, so somebody lied to you, left you for someone else, used you, led you on, or any other multitude of reasons, whatever it was it didn't work out... it happens. But remember you too have hurt others in some way or another and perhaps without even giving it much thought. None of us are perfect or blameless... well, except for those conceited people who are just impossible to be around.

If you could remember one moment, one day, when you saw the very best of your former loved one, that one perfect scene, the day that had everything clicking in place... remember that and smile, remember the gift that day you two shared, that is where that old concept my grandmother taught me lives and hails from. And when you remember the wrong they did at a later time in your relationship, remember that you've forgiven them and it's a finished issue, because when you choose to remember that one perfect day and you smile, the healing began and you started down the road to forgiveness. They've gone their way, you've gone yours. Perhaps they'll change with someone else, perhaps not, perhaps you will change, perhaps not. But either way, even if it were in your power or at your disposal to see them pay for whatever they did or you think they did... remember that in forgiveness and mercy you'd not want such punishment be brought on them, no more than you would that brought onto yourself, because you too are not blameless, it took two to build it and it takes two to let it go.

This is where we have to look at ourselves and take a hard look at what we're made of. When we said, "I love you.", was that a conditional statement or did we extend that love freely? Do we only love those who love us in return? Is it really more like, "I love you, but only for now while its going good, but then I will destroy you when it's over. But for now…yeah I love you." Even the most selfish of persons cannot pull off that trick. We need not pine or long for a former lover, that would be unhealthy.. got to move on towards the future and leave the past behind. But we can still extend that love that does not wish any harm upon those we once loved closely, and pledged even a minuscule of respect.

Some might say it's impossible for their particular situation, that the hurt just outweighs what was good (sorry, but i disagree, giving up and giving in to just be vengeful is taking the easy road out). Holding your head up with pride and dignity is not always easy, but it far outweighs displaying yourself as being bitter and vindictive, such a heavy cross to bare in those actions, it only makes you paranoid and wonder if what everything being said and written in places like this is about you, after all…why wouldn't someone turn around and do that to you, you did it. i say that for any situation it can be hard at times, but not completely impossible or hopeless. After a while, it actually becomes a joy, and a relief to just kind of shrug your shoulders, let out a heavy sigh and wish your former beloved all goodness in their travels as you relieve them of any obligation to any wrongs you think they brought upon you. Then you commit yourself to remembering them and the couple you once were.. "as you were, on your very best day with them."


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