The Lessons

Author: Raven Shadowborne © 1998


   I eventually moved to another state and entered a relationship with another man. I had sworn off BDSM and decided I would be "normal". What a laugh that is considering no one can agree on what is normal and what is not. Anyway, I proceeded to live what I considered to be normal. Husband, wife, 2 kids, house etc. etc. My partner (I will call him Dave) and I had a good relationship for a period of time. Rather tame when compared to what it would become, but good nonetheless. Looking back I see many "service submissive" oriented actions on my part. Such as putting his shirts in his drawer in color matched piles just because he preferred it that way and I felt good when he was pleased by something I did. 

   Eventually Dave discovered by accident, my liking of spankings. We were making love one night and he slapped my ass. I in turn got very aroused which he noticed. After this we talked about it and I admitted my likings, though I was scared as all hell to do that. Turns out he had dabbled in bondage and was very aroused by the idea of being in control of somene else. We talked quite a bit about what we both wanted and began to include kinky activities into our sex life. Spankings, bondage, vibrators, dildos and the like all became part of our relationship. Often he would spank me before he went to work or come home for lunch and spank me then. My first set of leather cuffs, collar and a crop were bought and used during this relationship. He set rules on my clothing when he was home, preferring me in dresses with no panties. Our communication skills improved greatly adn we talked about everything under the sun. I thought our relationship would last forever, which I was wrong, but that isn't the first time. 

   Dave did a lot of encouraging for me to learn who I am and accept those things. Forcing me to begin building my self esteem, which was far from strong at that point in my life. He taught me that enjoying sex was not abnormal. He taught me to relax enough to actually have orgasms almost every time we made love. With him I gained self esteem, confidence, and the ability to grow freely.

   For family reasons we had to relocate to Florida, where I discovered the internet and mIRC. Dave had been on-line since I met him. He had never checked channel listings for BDSM, but I did and found a channel that welcomed me. There I discovered that many different people enjoyed the same things I did. I also discovered just how little I actually knew. At this time my physical health took a turn for the worse which would last well over a year and cause serious irrepairable harm to the relationship with Dave. I chatted with many different people and made quite a few mistakes that are common to newcomers in the lifestyle. Dave and I were having problems caused by my physical health which started to errode the level of communication we had. Luckily for me I met Rick. He became one of my best friends and my mentor. 

   We talked a lot and he taught me more than I can list here. It was from him that I learned of play lists, safe words, communication, the true meaning of a collar, the scope of this lifetsyle and so many other things.  It was from him taht I first heard the words "true submissive". With his help and guidance I began to open old doors inside myself which I had locked and refused to acknowledge. With him, I faced many old fears and angers and hurts. Healing them to make way for my own growth. At this point I was pretty much bedridden, the only thing I could do was work on myself. So that is what I did. Page after page of journal entries, hours and hours of conversations both on-line and on the phone followed. Many bouts of tears, depression and growth spurts. 

   I learned about toys, how to use them, tricks for play, honor, integrity and ohh so many other things. The more I delved, the more I came to understand myself. I was finally becoming the person I truly was meant to be and eventually went beyond that to who I am now. Most of my real life experiences in the lifestyle remained with Dave. Rick took to speaking with him, to help him learn more as well. Rick taught Dave some of his more successful tricks for sending a sub into sub-space. Dave took the initiative to learn from another dominant how to weild a whip and surprised me one night with a cat o nine whip. Our collection of toys increased, and our level of play heightened. Often I would scene despite the pain I knew I would be in afterwards. Dave finally began to understand that I needed the 24/7 control that comes with a D/s power exchange. He started using that control and for a few months we lived a 24/7 relationship. His word was the last word on many things. I have to say this was the happiest I had ever been in any relationship. I felt warm, safe, loved and most of all whole. 

   My phsyical health deteroriated quickly and most of the play stopped. The power exchange was tosed aside. The only outlet I now had was cyber. The only thing I could still use to it's full potential was my mind so I continued devouring information as quickly as I could. I learned quite a bit and continued to grow. Dave fell into a depression because of my health and stagnated. His growth stopped and he withdrew from everyone around him. In the two years since I opened #Leather_and_Roses, my knowledge of the lifestyle and myself has grown by leaps and bounds. I still don't know everything, but I know the most important things. I know who I am and what I want.

   During my time on-line I have worn a few collars. The first was with someone I met the first time I entered a BDSM channel. We were together for a while before I took his collar. I don't regret the collar because I learned alot, but I do see where the collar happened too fast. The second collar was with someone I had known since I came online. We had talked frequently and in depth on many occasions. He had quite a bit more experience in BDSM than I did. He knew his wants and desires a lot better than I knew mine. He was a very strong dominant, I still doubted myself as a submissive. Eventually this created major friction between us and we seperated. In some areas, knowing what I know now, we never matched. But I didnt' see that then. This left me with the feeling that I was not a sub as his parting words to me had said. No one could help me with that. I wore a few more collars, all of which were removed for various reasons. One of those collars finally presented me with the opportunity to play real life with soemone besides Dave. Through this experience I was able to finally see for myself that I am a submissive. When this relationship ended and I requested release for a breech of trust, my growth stagnated a bit. Though I did continue to learn technical things, the how tos and what nots. In April of 1998 Azmadeus entered LnR for the first time in 7 months. We had met each other real life, and even played once. We had a good friendship that was both online and real life. I had decided I would no longer take a collar which is online only, that there had to be some real life comittment to the relationship. Az and I once again began talking. Eventually we collared both on-line and real life.

   Dave and I had tried to improve the relationship between us. And for a while it did seem to get a bit better. But not too much. We had grown apart in such a way that there was no going back. After many hardships and much pain we seperated this passed July. I made the decision to leave the relationship fully expecting to have to leave Az as well. Thankfully, Az chose to remain with me as my friend, dominant and supporter. Had he chosen to leave, my decision would have remained the same. Though we do not live together, and are now in an LDR our relationship continues to improve. I find myself struggling once more with trust issues and some of my self esteem has been hurt. But each day I grow stronger. 

   Through these past two years I have learned much, grown quite a bit and discovered what it is I want. I am a submissive woman and I am proud of that. The discovery has often been painful but just as often it was joyful. The end results have been worth it all. 


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