To Catch A Dom

Author: Bob Harris ©

used with permission. This article was originally written for the section of Gloria Brame's website called "Perspectives Of A Male Submissive"



Happy New Year, Happy New Century and Happy Millennium--or not, depending on your point of view. Glad to see that the Y2K bug didn't get you.

i'm not really fond of New Year's, other than that it's a paid holiday from work. There is just too much pressure associated with it. Everybody going around asking "what's your New Year's resolution this year?" or "have you made your New Year's resolutions yet?" No, and i don't intend to. Go ahead, call me a lazy jerk. i prefer to look at it more like: i don't need to, but obviously you think you do. Okay, so maybe that is a little arrogant, but all this resolution stuff gets me cranky.

Actually, making resolutions can be a positive step in self- improvement, and there is always room for improvement. Truth is, i don't think i ever made a New Year's resolution that lasted more than a week anyway. It doesn't take long to realize that becoming Supreme Ruler of the World is probably not very realistic, at least not in a year's time.

However, i have come up with the perfect way to get around all that non-consensual resolution pressure. i just say that i'm still working on it and will let them know as soon as i have decided. Then i wait about three weeks before going back and asking them how they're doing with the resolutions they made. By then they have broken all of theirs, so i'm off the hook.

But since this is sort of a special New Year's, with it being a new century and again, depending on your point of view, a New Millennium or not, perhaps making a serious attempt at making and keeping just one resolution, would be a fitting commemorative to the year 2000.

Why not make this the year you get serious about developing your submissive tendencies to their fullest degree and presenting yourself in a way that lets a Dominant know that you are serious about, and take pride in, being a submissive?

How long have you been sitting around wishing that you could find that one Dominant who inspired you. Who, in every one of Their thoughts, words and deeds, shows you how much your service, your submission, and you as a person mean to them? How many cyber-Doms have you gone through without finding a single one who had any clue as to what this lifestyle is really about? How many times--and to make it easy, just in the past year--have you asked the question, "where are all the good Tops?" Well, They're out there, asking, "where are all the good submissives?" Kind of ironic isn't it?

So let's get started. First, as corny as it may sound, stand in front of a mirror and take a good look at yourself. Can you look yourself straight in the eye and say that you are happy with who you are? If the person in the mirror was someone else, would they be someone you would be proud to call your friend, or someone you would avoid? If you were dominant, is the person in the mirror someone who has the maturity, self assurance, willingness and ability to provide you with the type of service and submission you desire, or are they so needy that they require constant reassurance, direction and correction?

Now step back, strip off anything you have on that isn't permanently attached, and take another look at yourself. Take a good look.

Are you pleased, or at least satisfied, with your appearance? Are you comfortable enough with the controllable features of your appearance that you could present yourself, naked, unembarrassed, to a Dom? It's not important that you're not some totally buff, Charles Atlas. Most experienced Doms are more interested in the mental than the physical. But, you owe it to yourself if to no one else, to maintain your physical condition at a level where you are not placing yourself in danger of developing medical problems.

Let's look a little closer. Do you present a neat, well- groomed appearance or do you look disheveled or sloppy? Are your finger and toe nails neatly trimmed and clean? Does your hair look in constant need of combing or trimming? Does it look clean and natural, or overly styled or moussed? If you have facial hair, does it enhance or distract from your natural features? If you have a beard is it full and neatly trimmed or does it look sparse and straggly, like you're still trying to grow it even though it's been there for years?
How about your pubes and body hair? Is your body hair the type that adds interest, dimension or form to your body? Or is it patchy or sparse, giving you the resemblance of a scruffy, mongrel mutt? Unless of course, you identify as a scruffy mongrel, would keeping part, or all of it, shaved or trimmed, present a better appearance? Are your pubics hiding or obstructing your assets from full view or do they help show them off?

All right. You've admired yourself in that mirror long enough. Everything good so far?--or did you find a few areas that may need a little work? Part of a submissive's job is to make their Dominant look good. Things like keeping Them informed of events in the community, or making sure They get to scheduled appointments on time are certainly part of this responsibility. But also, making sure you present yourself in the best fashion by looking your best and efficiently performing the duties of service, are equally important. If you look a mess, how does that reflect on your Dom? Not very well.

If you're not in service but are looking to be, what image of your service are you projecting to any potential Dominant if your personal appearance is sloppy? If you can't take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of Them?

That's the outer you. Now let's talk about the inner you.

Being a submissive in a BDSM relationship is not the way to resolve self esteem issues, and more importantly, it is not a way to avoid facing them. Knowledgeable Dominants do not want submissives who are doormats or who consider themselves worthless. They want someone who can stay three steps ahead of Them, knowing what They need and having it ready for Them before They even realize They need it. In other words, someone with intelligence, and the ability to use that intelligence, requiring only minimal direction. A caring, loving, devoted partner, who takes pleasure and pride in knowing Their needs and how to fulfill them.

You can't do that if you have issues concerning your own self-worth. Your Dominant may be able to provide valuable assistance in your efforts to overcome a low self-image, but you have to be the one who wants to make it happen. No one else, including the most skilled Dominant known to man, can do it for you or give you the incentive to start doing it for yourself. You need to feel good about yourself, confident in your abilities and comfortable with the person you are before you try giving yourself in service to another.

Once you're at a point where you feel good about both your inner and outer self, ready to renew your search for that for that special person to serve, it's time to take a look at how you are presenting yourself in public.
Think back about the last few times you went to a leather bar or event. What did you wear? Did it help identify you as a boy? Did it comply with the commonly accepted protocols of your community or the rules of the traditional protocol style (i.e., Old Guard, Victorian, Gorean, etc.) that you identify with? Do you know what those traditional or local protocols are, or if any such rules actually exist? If you don't know, find out.
There are a variety of books available that discuss expected submissive behavior, and there are most likely a number of members within your local community who know the traditional and local variations of appropriate boy attire. Got an on-line list group in your area? Try asking them.

But here are some basic guidelines.

First, does what you normally wear to your local leather bar, make you look like a twinky who was on his way to the vanilla disco but wandered into the leather bar by mistake? Or is it something that would be more typical of traditional boy attire such as a white T-shirt or ribbed tank top, 501 jeans or military style camouflage pants and military style boots? Were they form fitting or oversized and baggy?

If you wear leather is it also plain and simple? Free of excessive stud or chrome work? Was your arm band on your right or left? Did you flag a hanky code in your right pocket but then hang your keys in your left? Was the hanky color one that would indicate your preference and/or intensity level for SM play beyond being a bottom in sex? It wasn't orange was it? Hopefully you didn't do something really stupid like wear your own collar, wrist restraints, arm bands on both arms or tennis shoes with chaps. Did your leather fit well as if tailored made or was it loose or poorly fitted as if you just bought it off the rack on your way to the bar? Was it clean and polished? Were your boots shined?

What about your demeanor? Did you act in a way that would cause you to be viewed unfavorably or that caused embarrassment? If you had been with a Dominant would it have caused embarrassment for Him? Were you loud and vociferous? Did you appear intoxicated or stoned? Did you try to be the center of attention? Do you obviously cruise anyone you perceive may possibly be a Dominant, Dom wannabee, or at least a Top sexually?

If someone was to observe you over the course of an evening, would they get the impression that your main interest is just getting your want of play or sex filled? Would they get that impression because you're the kind that dresses and behaves appropriately, respectfully approaches a perceived Dominant and waiting to be recognized? Are you fast at lighting His cigarettes, pouring out a flood of "yes Sirs" and "no Sirs" while laying on sugary thick, a childish little boy act complete with the cutest, shy little smile you can muster, until you think you have Him appropriately impressed to the point where you can inquire about the possibility of play or just sex? If that one refuses, do you immediately run off to the next Dom, continuing that pattern until you finally get one to say yes?

Have you answered yes to most of these questions but are still wondering why you can't find a good Dominant?
Being a submissive for play or sex is one thing. They are a dime a dozen. Since getting their needs satisfied is their main objective, anyone who can provide any portion of that need, however minute or superficial, will do, if that's all that is available. Whether or not they play with a knowledgeable, respected Dominant, whose involvement in the SM community is a lifestyle choice which influences every aspect of His life, is not their most important consideration when choosing a play partner. He's a top, has a dick, is available, he'll do. Didn't find a top he was interested in that was also interested in him that night? No biggie. There's another bottom there in the same situation, who will be just as happy going with him as anybody else, and they can switch back and forth, taking turns topping each other, and be fully satisfied for that night at least.

Since those kind always seem to find someone to play with, it can give the impression that they must be some sort of great submissive in high demand. It can be frustrating, seeing them time after time, hooking up with what looks like a multitude of leather Dominants, while time after time, you go home alone after only being approached by the two obnoxious drunks sitting at the bar, who kept grabbing your ass every time they got near enough, and trying to get you to give them a blow job.

What you didn't notice is that a couple of those lifestyle Dominants did find some interesting partners that night. They were the guys you may not have particularly noticed. Not necessarily the best built or best-looking. Obviously, it had been a good while since they had seen their early twenties, but they didn't try to pretend they were still there mentally by flashing cutesie little boy smiles. Not interested in merely settling for whatever play they could get, especially if it meant just having sex with someone who calls themselves a leather dominant because they own a pair of chaps and a leather vest, they politely declined the advances of the wannabees.

They were plainly dressed in T-shirts and jeans, standing off to the side of the room, posture erect, hands behind their back. Their stance indicated the confidence and pride attained from the level of service they knew they were able to provide. They didn't bother joining in the endless parade of bodies continually circling the bar, but waited patiently, carefully watching, hoping to catch a signal from a Dom indicating His interest and permission to be approached. By their appearance and behavior, they showed themselves to be experienced, knowledgeable submissives in and out of the dungeon. That's what got them noticed. That's what attracts experienced, knowledgeable Dominants.

Where are all the good Dominants? They're off with the good submissives. It could be you if you take the time to learn just exactly what it means, and how to present yourself in a way to get you noticed by the type of Dominant you seek.

It's a new year, a new century. Time to get started.


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