Fears and Submission

Author: kitty tara © 2008


This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author..


Slaves give a lot of things of themselves up to their Masters, but fears will stay part of you unless worked through. Just ignoring fears will only cause problems. Some things just scare people, on too deep of a level to dismiss. i've given everything over to Master, and i trust His decisions, but i'll admit i still have fears. The problem isn't having a fear, it's an unwillingness to trust in an otherwise trusted dominant to help one work through that fear safely. i trust Master to be there to help me work through my fears if they come up and inhibit my abilities to serve fully and effectively. It takes a strong person to let go of the most basic functions of the human mind and go against regular human instinct. Avoid pain, control your environment, submissives give those things over, and the only thing we can really say belongs to us is that undying trust in the dominant we choose. That trust is one of the most important things when it comes to dealing with fears.

There's any number of things that could happen in a scene or outside of one that can trigger internal fears for a submissive. The world of a submissive is complicated enough, and the last thing that we need is to have our fears cause us more trouble. A very important note on this: Do not be angry with yourself for feeling fears. It's a natural feeling, and no dominant should ever be angry with you for having fears. The important part is that you talk about your fears instead of trying to hide them or pretending they don't exist. Keeping them in will only cause you damage and slowly cause damage to the relationship.

So what is the best way to handle fears that are encountered in a D/s relationship? The first step in handling it is to look at the fear itself. What was it a fear of? What caused it to surface? And just how bad of a fear is it? Knowing how bad the fear is is very important in this, because you'll handle an "Oh god, spider, kill it!!!" fear much more differently than a fear that has you frozen and shaking in terror. After you're able to answer these first questions and assess the fear, you can begin taking actions to handle it.

After you've assessed the fear, the next best step is determined by the answer to one simple question. With help, can you move past this fear? Past experiences can instill fears in people that cannot be worked through without a lot of time and work, if even at all. Some fears are just so terrifying for a submissive that they may feel unable to handle working through it in an attempt to avoid feeling that fear more And then there are fears that are simple to work through. Whether or not you can work through a fear can only be determined by you and your dominant partner. The same goes for how you work through any particular fear. One submissive may be well suited for one method of dealing with a fear, while that method may do more harm than good for another.

For the purpose of example, here is the breakdown of a basic, and simple fear, and a more extreme fear. i have a fear of falling that's been with me as long as i can remember. It surfaces if i lean too far off of something and about half or more of me is suspended over empty space. It is not a pleasant experience, but as bad as it is, it's not an extreme and unconquerable fear. i recognize that with His help, if it begins to interfere with my ability to serve Him somehow, then i can overcome it. Something as simple as having Him there with me to reassure me and keep me calm while i'm in a position that brings on the fear would help me overcome it. Now on the more extreme side of this, i have a fear of being used by someone who isn't Him. i like the general idea behind being used by multiple people at once, but the actual idea of any man but Him being around me in a vulnerable state terrifies me. i've had breakdowns with Him at the slightest mention of it happening. That is an extreme fear. i don't know what it is specifically that makes me like that, but that fear is so hard for me and so uncomfortable, that even with His help, i could never get rid of it. i may be able to cope, but that's a fear that is always going to be with me.

In the end, the only way to handle fears in submission is to have a line of communication with the dominant partner, and a willingness to rely on the bond of trust between the two of you. Communication will make a huge difference, and, along with trust, help to make handling fears easier for both parties.






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