You Know You're Kinky When...(2)

Author: Alkallah © `1998

Whenever possible, permission to use a joke is gained from the author. keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for

...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because the man has nothing on you. realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year have more toys than your kids take up macrame, just to learn some new knots start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to

...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot

...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets

...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt. watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!" go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up. have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3 24-hour locksmiths. are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's. have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list. join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather! speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer. try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.

...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave

...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!

...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount. can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat)

...your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.

..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you. haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"'ve got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.

...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.

...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.

...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house. need two separate packing and moving to pack and move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings". choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the leather store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers, and just a mile from the emergency room. become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.

...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...and you are not a contractor or an electrician. move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes out of business because you don't buy there anymore.

...escape artists come to you for advice. say Vanilla like it's a bad word. can't pass by an iron fence without drooling. know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.

...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery. nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash. cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.

...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".'ve served more people than McDonald's.

...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest. consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to please you. chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.

...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than the ER. sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free trip on the North Pole. buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a family or a clothesline.

...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest. find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"

...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay. bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug. think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.

...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and sadistic and you perk, god i hope so! think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.

...turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on when you enter the room.

...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two. take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life. fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.

...when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered. can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.

...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.

...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.

...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy. refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".

...your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination.

...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.

...your children think your primary language is acronyms. have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans. overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does. need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.

...your toilet seat is leather.

...your children are named Dom, SAM, Sissy, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

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