BDSM Relationship

Author: Skorpio © of BDSM Realm

used with permission


I just discussed the three fundamental characteristics of a good BDSM play: SANE SAFE & CONSENSUAL. Here the more important attributes of a functional BDSM relationship will be explained.


First of all Prior to the physical, a BDSM relationship is essentially a mental relation. A sharp distinction is required between the two sides involved: one who feels the submissive and the other the Dominant role. The first and most fundamental element in a BDSM relationship is reciprocity of those roles. BDSM means complementary, not overpowering.

Decision and consciousness of respective roles are both necessary premises to have a satisfactory BDSM play. Decision, expressed as free will, to really live situations and emotions of the chosen role and to face eventual unforeseen situations with open mind. And Consciousness and Acceptance of ourselves and of the situation we choose to enter into. Elements that we can build comparing our own tastes, desires and limits with our partner and some typical BDSM scenes.

Without those premises, BDSM play would become a ridiculous foolery or else a very bad experience. On the other hand, when each of these premises are fully realized by both participants, their mutual desires can be met and a satisfactory play will be realized for both. Consequent and reassuming of complicity, decision and consciousness is a strong inner equilibrium. A deep feeling of self-consciousness and self-acceptance, built deepening our own Dominant or submissive attitudes. And it's not just to be aware of them, but to recognize them, accept them and learn to live them in balance with other expressions of our personality. Masters who mercilessly spank their crying slaves are not monsters, but may be affective and careful fathers, smart colleagues, and patient teachers. Nor is the sub licking the soles of his Mistress necessarily a looser or a submissive in his social and day-by-day life. More likely, he is a person trying to win and succeed exactly like others. And finding a balance between those contradictions is exactly the way to find equilibrium and an inner self-esteem that will accompany us for the rest of our life.


Those who are not able to find this equilibrium and serenely live their BDSM desires will probably encounter critical situations of non-acceptance of oneself. In such condition, people will usually choose to try and deny their BDSM desires or to live them full-time.

The first choice means a substantial twin life, while the latter brings a person to transform what is a pleasurable desire into the cage of his entire existence. On the BDSM scene people who live BDSM full-time are called 24/7, that means 24 hours a day for 7 days a week (more upon 24/7 relationshipsin the relation pages). I know some people so defined, but not one of them really lives ONLY as a Dom or as a sub every moment. I would consider living a true 24/7 existence to be just as limiting as absolutely refusing to admit and explore ones own BDSM desires. Finding a balance within ourselves, and accepting, showing and living our BDSM desires remains, in my opinion, the best way to lead a satisfactory life while still having such pleasurable and original experiences. Despite of some bigot disclaimers, a BDSM relation, if adult and conscious, should bring a mutual and self-consciousness, which is rarely found in most 'vanilla' relationships.






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