Terms Of The Lifestyle

Author: Raven Shadowborne © Feb 7, 1999 (re-write)

These terms are defined by each person in the lifestyle to mean different things. Many take what they want or feel comfortable using and apply the terms within their preset definitions to thier life. Many use the terms in their lives because they like the way they sound. In my opinion, this does not make one right or wrong, nor does it detract from their relationship. Below are my definitions of the terms. Your definitions may vary.

B&Der: One who includes bondage and discipline in their erotic life without a power exchagne (D/s)

B&D: Term which relates specifically to bondage and discipline activies with or without pain play or power exchange.

BDSM: Acronym for bondage and discpline (B/d) dominant and submission (d/s) and sadomasochism (S/m)

Bedroom D/s: D/s confined to a particular session usually sexual encounters but there is no power exchange outside of these encounters.

Bondage: Act of restraining one's movements, tying someone up

Collar: The physical symbol of a submissive's ownership.

Collaring: The act of placing a collar on a submissive. 

Consensual: Mutually agreeable

Consent: An informed choice to agree to the terms of the relationship

Contract: Written and signed agreement between the people in the relationship which spells out each person's responsiblities, limits etc. Not a legally binding document.

D/s er: Those who practice a power exchange within their relationship. May or may not contain B/D or S/m.

Dom: Male dominant

Dominant: A person who exerts control

Dominatrix: Female dominant, usually a professional dominant who gets paid for her services

Domme: Female dominant

D/s: Domination and submission, a term which relates specifically to a power exchange from a submissive to a dominant

Edge Play: Play that flirts with death or serious injury, be it physical or mental

EPE: Erotic power exchange. A power exchange used just in sexual or erotic encounters.

Femme Domme: Female dominant

Flagging: Traditional gay male practice of displaying a colored bandanna in a rear pocket to identify one's erotic interest. 

Hard Limits: Activities you will not do under any circumstances

Kink: Anything outside of society's view of "normal" sexual relations or interpersonal relationships.

Lady: Another term for a female submissive

Leathermen/women: usually gay or lesbian d&ser, but also members of the leather communities

Left-right codes: bandannas, keys etc. worn on left to show dominant, the right shows submissive

Lifestyle: A term encompassing those who live with a power exchange as the basis of their relationship, also a terms which encompasses all who are involved in BDSM on any level

Masochist: one who is aroused by pain, may or may not be submissive

Master, male dominant. Honorific specifically reserved for one's onwer (dominant, master) or one with extensive experience who earns the respect deserved for the title.

Mentor: One who teaches or guides a person who is new to BDSM, should be someone who is trustworthy and has a lot of experience

Mistress: female dominant, title reserved for one's specific female dominant. Or a female dominant with extensive experience who earns the respect deserved for the title.

Negotiation: Talking about needs/wants/desires/likes/disklikes to determine compatability for a relationship and to set the limits, if any, for said relationship

Play: erotic encounters which include B&D or S&M to varying intensities.

Play Parties: get togethers where play occurs.

Play List: written list of different activities filled out by the participants in the relationship to determince basic physical compatabilities.

Power Exchange: willing surrender of control from a submissive to a dominant be it only during sexual encounters, partial control in daily life, or full control in daily life. 

Pro-Domme (Professional dominant) One who is paid for their services.

Sadist: One who is aroused by giving pain to another

"Safe Out" End a scene via a safeword

Safeword: Words, actions,  or gestures that when spoken (said or done) by either participant, all play stops

Sadomasochist: a person for who the giving or recieving of pain is arousing with or without a power exchange

Scene: 1: "In the scene" openly participates in support grups, munches, play parties etc. 2: "A scene" a specific interaction/session of B/d or S/m

Session: An erotic episode of b/d or s/m

Slave: One who gives total ownership to another

S/m: Applies specifically to pain play which is erotic or arousing to the participants..sado masochism

S/m er: Those who live/practice s/m activities without a power exchange

Soft Limits: Things you may not like doing, but aren't completely opposed to. Things you are not sure you will like, but are willing to try.

SSC (Safe Sane Consensual) Three tenets of BDSM meant to convey that those who live (in any capacity) BDSM are doing so of their own choice. Also meant to remind people to do thigns safely

Sub/subbie: a submissive

Submissive: One who gives control to another over more than just a scene or sexual manner. Varying degrees of control given

Switch: One who enjoys both the dominant or submissive roles

Top: One who takes a dominant role in a session but not every day life

Topping From The Bottom: A submissive who is attempting to (or succeeding in) manipulating their dominant and therefor exerting their control over the dominant's control

Toys: Items used by those in the lifestyle (dildos, vibrators, whips, ropes etc)

TPE: Total power exchange: the total giving of control over one's life to anotehr

Training: Act of learning (or process of) to fulfill your dominant's needs

Vanilla: relationships that do not include any aspects of BDSM



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