Finding Your Place In BDSM

Author: Raven Shadowborne © 1999

One of the most difficult parts of BDSM is finding where you fit into it, if at all. You may know that BDSM is what you want, but you aren't sure where you fit in. You may be asking yourself "Am I dominant or submissive?" or "Am I a switch?". Trying to answer such questions is difficult to do.  

The best way to figure out where you fit in, and which "role" would best fulfill you, is to soul search. Look deep into your heart, mind and past experiences. Note whether you are more comfortable in a position of control, or in a position where someone else has the control. Look at your past relationships and try to see if you always found yourself doing things just to please your partner, because doing so made you feel good? Or, were you the one always making requests of your partner, and expecting them to follow those requests? 

Talk with others who have experience in BDSM. Read books and web sites about BDSM. Then compare those things with what you have discovered about yourself. Pay close attention to your emotions and instinctual response to the information. If reading an account of service, from a submissive, makes you feel that you want to do that, or would be happy doing that, notate it. Keep that in mind. If reading such an article and your inner response is to associate more readily with the dominant being served, notate that and keep it in mind as well. Be careful, gathering information in this way can be overwhelming and confusing. Give yourself time to digest and honestly consider the information. Do not rush yourself. 

Often, people who are new to the lifestyle and know only that it gets them hot, will look to others with more experience to tell them where they fit in. Also, they can look to others as a role model, and try to mold themselves to be like that person or they view others as a guage of their own progress in the lifestyle. This is a dangerous thing to do. Everyone is different and has different likes, dislikes, and expectations of a BDSM relatioship. Molding yourself into what someone else is can have disasterous results. It can create serious self doubt that is difficult to remedy. It can cause more confusion, and create a feeling of anger at oneself if you can't match that person. Being honest with yourself about what you truly think and feel is the only way to find your true place in any lifestyle that is as varied as BDSM. 

Finding where you fit in is a long process. It is intensely personal. The end result must be tailored to your specific personality, desires, and expectations in order for it to be the most satisfying and enjoyable. Someone else's idea of what is a dominant or a submissive, may not be right for you.  

As time goes on, and you learn more, you will find that you grow in ways you may not see at first. Your ideas of what is dominant or submissive will change as you learn more about yourself and the lifestyle in general. Your expectations for a relationship, and your likes or dislikes as far as physical interactions, will change as well. Finding your place in BDSM, is a journey that never ends. It is a journey of self discovery and broadening horizons. This journey requires an open mind, and self honesty. It is one that will have many ups and downs but is well worth the effort put forth.  

The best thing you can do is trust your instincts. Your instincts know what you want, even if your mind or heart do not. Rely on your instincts to tell you if you are doing the right thing for you, or if you are about to enter into a dangerous situation.  

Domination or submission are not gender based. Despite common misconceptions, every male does not have to be a dominant and every female is not a submissive. What makes one a dominant or submissive goes far beyond physical gender. It encompasses instincts, personality and possibly inborn traits. Do not assume that you are a dominant or a submissive because of your gender. If you try to be something you are not because you think you have to be that way due to your gender, you will be very unhappy. Basically, be yourself and don't try to be someone you are not



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Page By: Raven Shadowborne © 2000
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