Bringing D/s Into An Existing Relationship

Author: Raven Shadowborne © Nov. 12, 1999

Bringing d/s into an existing relationship is challenging and often difficult. If approached realistically and slowly, it can be done. The first thing when one begins to bring d/s into a relationship is to learn as much as you can. Read books, web sites, discussion lists, and attend local group meetings if available in your area. Ask as many questions as you want to. The best way to learn is to seek the information. However, do not fall into the common trap of reading one web site, or one person's view on BDSM and think that it is the only way to have a BDSM relationship. That just is not true. A BDSM relationship must be tailored to those involved in it. If it is not, it will not last very long. After finding all this information, think about it and compare it to how your instincts feel inside. Think of whether or not it is a workable idea in your real life situation. For example, you may love the idea of having a sub walk around naked wearing a collar all the times, but that might not be practical if you have children in the house. So think of ways to compromise and still acheive the effect you are wanting, that fits with your way of living. 

The second, yet most important step, is talk. Talk to yor partner honestly. Discuss new ideas, and ways of doing things that would fit with your lifestyle. Discuss feelings and thoughts on the different things you discover. Decide together what goal you would like the relationship to reach, then talk about ways to reach that goal. This is as much a learning experience for the new dominant, as it is for the new submissive. It is extremely important that all the people involved be able to discuss how they feel or what they think of the relationship, how it is developing and where it will go.  

A few good ways to get those conversations going are discussion groups (either online or in real life) and play lists. In a discussion group, you can ask questions and get input from more than one source. In this way you are able to see many different variations on things, and it can help you to find one that is right for you. Or help you come up with ideas tailored to your own situation. A play list is helpful in discussing the many different areas of play that people involve themselves in. With this, you can learn about what each of you wants to try, doesn't want to try, and already loves to do. This can help immensely when it comes to discussing scene ideas, or trying to decide what to do in a scene.  

Be prepared to have rough times, while each of you adjusts to the new roles in the relationship. It is not easy to become comfortable with submitting or dominating for those who are new to it. Each one most overcome the things they have been taught which hamper such growth. For example, a female sub may have to overcome being taught to rely only on herself, and a male dominant may have to overcome being taught that to hit a woman is wrong under any circumstances. Discuss these difficult times, and work through them together. If it means slowing the D/s down a bit, do so. It can and will become stronger on it's own. What is most important is keeping the trust and communication alive.  

As well, keep in mind that dominance and submission are mental and emotional. They are there, whether they are acted on at that moment, or not. You don't need to push a million and one different ways of proving the relationship on a daily basis. So if rituals are not something you like, then don't think you must have them just because others do. Don't think that the power exchange means that you must be dominant at all times, and exerting that control. It usually isn't neccesary. A D/s relationship, must be satisfying to both parties. Achieving that mutual satisfaction can be tricky, but it can be done.  

Good luck!



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