Living D/s With Children in The Home

Author: Raven Shadowborne © 1998


   Many of those who live this lifestyle 24 hours a day 7 days a week are parents as well as dominants or submissives. Having children does not preclude someone from enjoying this lifestyle. There are some ways in which this can be achieved. 

   First of all bear in mind what the power exchange actually is. It is not the kinky sex, bondage, pain play, clamps, paddles or whips. It is the mental and emotional bond between the dominant and the submissive. The exchange of power is achieved at that level. Because of this, one can remain true to the exchange of power in a D/s relationship, while still being parents. 

   When children are involved it is more difficult to attain a 24/7 D/s situation. But with a bit of imagination, lots of communication and some effort it can be done. First off there are small things which can be done in front of children that are not harmful to their health. Certain looks can convey a multitude of messages from the dominant to the submissive and vice versa. Tone of voice can become more important than saying the honorific Master/Mistress or Sir/Ma'am. Requiring the submissive to maintain a respectful tone of voice and body language can go a long way towards keeping the power exchange part of the relationship. 

   There are many items that can be worn inconspicuously in front of children. Butt plugs, some clamps, long dresses with no underwear, can all serve as physical reminders to the submissive that she is a submissive and children won't see them. There are harnesses made which are for wearing under clothing. As well as certain types of Japanese Rope Bondage can also be worn beneath loose fitting clothing. 

   In depth communication about the many issues that come up on a daily basis and brainstorming about what is allowed and is not, can keep the power exchange going as well. Some couples have spoken of having keywords that represent different meanings than what the words themselves mean. Phrases or such that allow both the dominant or the submissive to convey their feelings or an order at that moment. Discuss limits and set up rules in advance. Decide which areas the submissive has full reign to make decisions in and which ones he/she does not. In vanilla relationship many people make the agreement that a purchase over $50.00 is to be discussed and mutually agreed upon by both people before the purchase is made. This rule can be adapted to many other things in a BDSM relationship. 

   While watching TV the submissive can easily explain sitting on the floor at the dominant's feet. If the floor is carpeted, saying it's comfortable is enough. Most children spend alot of time on the floor anyway when they watch TV. This won't be seen as a major thing by most children.  

   Setting tasks for the submissive during the day, things he/she is to complete by the time the dominant gets home, also helps keep the D/s alive. But remember that these tasks must be ones that can be completed in front of the kids. For example, cooking the dominant's favorite meal, getting a baby-sitter for a night of uninterrupted play, etc. 

   Creating small rituals that can be done in the privacy of the bedroom before the day begins, or before bedtime can also help keep the power exchange alive. Small notes left spefically where the other will find them, saying things like "I love you, My Slave" (if that fits, but I think you get the idea) can also help and be done where children can't see them. E-mail is another medium that can be used to communicate the BDSM part of your lives. E-mailing fantasies, stories, things you want to do, and the like. 

   When it comes to decisions which are affecting only the dominant and the submissive then the exchange of power can stay in full effect (re: the dominant has last word, if that is the agreed upon way of things). When it comes to decisions surrounding the children, those should be made with the dominant and submissive on equal footing, As man and wife and mother and father. Though in many cases, the dominant's word can still hold sway on the decision, but should be done in private. Discipline should not fall to just one of the parents, and should be an equally shared responsibility. As should the education of the children. Both parents should spend time with the children, regardless of their dominant or submissive mindset. 

   Punishment in this kind of arrangement is a bit more difficult as well. Many use corporal punishment in their relationships. (spanking, flogging, caning, or the like) These things all make noise. And children have good ears. If Mommy or Daddy starts crying, they're going to want to know why. In this case using a room that is further from the children's bedrooms to muffle sounds is a good idea. Also using an implement that does not make as much noise is helpful. As are gags. There are ways to soundproof a room. Heavy draperies, cloth on the walls with some kind of padding behind it, and others can all be done to muffle the sounds of a punishment or even a pleasure session. In this situation non corporal means of punishment are probably best, with pain being used sparingly.  

   There are many more things which can be done to keep a D/s relationship going with children around. If the people involved want it badly enough, with a bit of effort and communication it can be achieved. 

   Play safe and have fun!



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