BDSM and a Vanilla Partner

Author: Nala ©

Nala's BDSM Zone

Used With Author(s) Permission


BDSM and a Vanilla partner

BDSM is a part of me, therefore a part of my life. It's just a part, not my whole life, but it is a part deep inside. It was a part of me when I was a child; it only grew during my life. Those feelings are part of the person I am, I can't turn them off, I never found the switch to do so. Once discovered, it will always be a part of you which is impossible to neglect, it will never leave your life.

Denial of those feelings would be denying a part of who I am. It doesn't mean it's always easy to accept those feelings. Accepting yourself the way you are, might take years, some will never be able to accept themselves. Discovering those feelings happens at any age, some, like myself, seem to know it from when they were a little kid; some discover the feelings when they're already in a long-term relationship. The discovery may turn your life upside down, especially when you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't share your feelings. It may give you a very hard time accepting those feelings and telling your partner about it.

You won't know in front how your partner will react. There is a chance of course you both are into BDSM and you might be the first to start talking about it. In that case it is possible your feelings are not compatible, but it should give you a base to talk about BDSM together.

It may seem like your partner doesn't want to know about your feelings, keep in mind that the way you feel about BDSM may not be the same image your partner has about it. The 'facts' you find in media are not always what the inside looks like, but those are the only facts people know about it. So you might scare him/her by telling you're into BDSM, not knowing in front what he/she knows about BDSM. Besides this is the insecurity your partner may feel about the role you might have planned for him/her, together with the fright of whips and other toys.

You cannot be careful enough, telling about your feelings when you want your partner to be part of your fantasies. It will help you to read your way into BDSM, gathering as much information as you can, to make up your mind and find the answers to the questions you and your partner might have. Knowing your fantasies and possibilities, will make communication less difficult, for you will be able to explain what you want, instead of just saying: "Listen love, have you ever heard about BDSM? That's what I want to do." That would scare them off for sure.

Putting things like bondage in a more common way than just your own relationship might help you to get a clue about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about restriction during sex instead of: "Love, I just want to throw you on the bed and tie you up, so I can do anything I want to." Or: "I want you to spank me until I won't be able to sit properly tomorrow." I am a person who stands for honesty and clearness, but sometimes carefulness is even better.

Keep in mind that you might be through the process of coming out, but your partner is only at the beginning of a journey through the wilderness. It's not fair to expect them to understand you and BDSM from day one; you may expect some respect though. It will be your responsibility to show them where to find information, other opinions, to make clear what it is you want them to understand. It will take more than one day to make yourself clear and understood. Giving your partner an opportunity to understand or even recognize your feelings will make you benefit from it.

It's far easier for me to tell you the things you shouldn't do. Telling you what you can do best is impossible, for every person is different. I expect you know your partner best, you know best how to comfort him/her. Start at the beginning, pick the most important ingredient BDSM has to offer you and find out if there is a way to accomplish it within your relationship.


Assuming you have submissive fantasies, you could realize a part of it by doing things your partner would appreciate, like getting his/her coffee, take out the garbage, or other things you know your partner dislikes to do himself/herself. Please notice this: most women don't want their partner to interfere with the housekeeping without asking. It might be better to deliberate first. This might make both of you feel good, maybe even good enough to grow into D/s.

It is a way to stay close to your own feelings as well as those of your partner. From that point you can build together. Remember that submissiveness is mostly between your ears, it's what you make of it, the way you feel about it, and not always the things you do. Getting coffee can feel special to you, while your partner just thinks about coffee, but hey, if it makes you feel good, who cares?

It's not that easy to start simple when you're a masochist, for slight pain may not satisfy you. You could propose to your partner to squeeze your nipples while having sex or to work your back with his/her nails. Perhaps there are some more possibilities that don’t scare your partner off immediately.

It’s important you take off slowly, remember you’re having your fantasies for quit some time, where your partner is only starting to learn how to walk along the road. Finding out the possibilities you have together to realize (some of) your feelings, makes it a trip for two. Kick off immediately and you will leave your partner far behind, even if they want to walk together, going that fast will make it impossible.

Having dominant fantasies will give you more trouble to realize them. Especially when you’re thinking about mental domination, you’ll be on walking on thin ice. You have to make clear that you still respect your partner and his/her feelings, even though you want to humiliate him/her. Only few people admire the status of a doormat, so be careful on this.

Putting your partner in a submissive role might bring up negative feelings; humiliation, pain, obedience, powerlessness are all loaded terms that won’t take you where you want to go. You might make a start by taking his/her wrists during sex; restricting your partner in a way you can easily go back on when needed.

You can play with your partner; turn him/her on and on but stopping just before he/she reaches an orgasm; to go on with something completely different, which he/she doesn’t expect. You can add some other elements, like squeezing nipples, working with your nails, teasing and so on.

Playing games like this you get accustomed to your partner and his/her reactions and responses. You will learn to read his/her body language. Give your partner a full body massage; you’ll be amazed by the result.

It may seem as though those things have nothing to do with BDSM. The point is that you’ll find another way to deal with your partner and your relationship, which you wouldn’t have thought about before. You’ll be more aware of each other, each other’s feelings and needs, it will make a difference to your relationship, and you’ll both grow. It will get you closer to each other; make trust and respect sensibly better. And that will take obstacles away.

Experiments like these might open your partner’s mind for a good conversation about BDSM and the way you feel about it. When you feel no resistance during the experiments, no panic, you could refer to that during your conversation, by telling him/her that playing games like that means a lot to you.

No matter how you bring the message, most important is to keep in mind that you are already halfway down the road you want to walk together. Walking that road together, discovering the wonderful world that’s called BDSM, means you’ll have to give your partner the space and opportunity to discover it at his/her own pace; finding out what it can do for the both of you and your relationship. You live long enough to spend some months together on this. Your patience will be paid back when you give your partner the opportunity to accept his/her feelings about BDSM.





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