Separating Fact From Fiction

Author: Miss Kat of S.C. Lock ©


As is true in any aspect of our lives, we have to think about what we are told and decide if they are correct statements, or if they are a portion of truth surrounded by opinion. Most times when ideas or notions are stated, they are the truth as the person sees it as far as they have thought it out. Nothing malicious is meant, in fact most times, quite the opposite. Many times they/we just have not heard or seen anything that would make us believe otherwise, or even second-guess our original opinion. I suppose you can correspond it to the myth of Santa Claus. It is not a malicious myth. When children repeat the story to other children, they completely believe it is true. If the other children are brought up believing in Santa Claus as well, their collective knowledge and experiences do not show them any reason to think that he is not completely real and a great and fun aspect to life that comes around once a year. There is no reason to question it. There is no reason to doubt it. But that does not mean the myth is true.

Let's talk about some comments that I have heard over the course of my time in the lifestyle which qualify as "Santa Clauses."

Santa Claus #1: If you are a masochist, or if you like pain to a degree, you are a submissive.

Completely untrue. The experience of pain releases endorphins into the body, which then translates the experience into much stronger sensations than the black and white language of pain or pleasure. There are dominants that love to "step" up the encounter for themselves by adding the endorphin edge to it. It does not make them any less dominant, or more dominant. It also does not mean that because a person likes to experience pain that they have to be in the submissive "role" to enjoy it. People who "switch" often say they do it to experience the pain, but a dominant is fully within their realm to instruct a submissive to administer pain to them, it is not necessary to "play submissive." I met a married couple a long time ago whose relationship was very much the male dom/fem sub relationship. He, however, was a masochist. It was part of her responsibility to inflict specific pain on him, when and how he said so. It fulfilled her desire to please and pleasure him, and it fulfilled his desire to control and his need/desire for pain. Remember there are as many variations of the theme of Bdsm as there are people.

Santa Claus # 2: If you are in a dominant/submissive relationship, the focus of the relationship is to please the submissive.

This one is not untrue, just incomplete and mis-leading. If you are a submissive and you are having relationship problems with your dominant and you repeat this statement to them as truth, they are not going to be impressed. Rightly so. The way this statement is worded, it assumes that the dominant is getting what they need from the relationship, but makes no reference to it. To the new submissive's mind, the comment can be taken just like it is said. To the experienced submissive, their mind will add the filter. A dominant/submissive relationship is just like any other kind, both parties must be getting what they need from it for it to work. As I say in the introduction to these articles, we all have to stop assuming that everyone knows everything we know. That means comments like this, which assume information and understanding the person hearing it might not have, should not be thrown about and touted as truth. The true form of this statement should be: If you are in a dominant/submissive relationship, and the dominant is getting the "feed" they need from the submissive (that will be different from dominant to dominant) then the focus is the submissive since the dominant is getting what they need through that focus.

Santa Claus #3: If you are a slave, you do not have to make any decisions.

Another statement that is completely untrue. As human beings, we make decisions all day long, from how long we wait to eat, how long before we use the restroom, how long to brush our teeth, whether or not to leave a light on when we leave, etc. If you are a slave, there will be many decisions that you will be asked to relinquish, that is true. However, no human being can function if they are not making any decisions whatsoever. Many times those who desire to be slaves so they don't have to make decisions are actually looking for an escape from responsibility. The problem is that taking a position of slavery actually doubles your responsibility. A slave is responsible for following the actions dictated by their dominant, and they are also responsible for doing whatever they can within the framework they are given to ease the life of their dominant. It might be a decision as small as making a conscious effort to make sure the portable phone is in whatever room the dominant happens to be in. The dominant might not have made the requirement for the slave to do that, but if the phone rings frequently and the dominant does make the requirement the slave is not to answer the phone, it is a logical task the slave might decide to do so that the dominant has access to the phone readily. The correct statement should be: If you are a slave, you have to be able to make decisions to honor your role in the relationship, and be able to decide to do things on your own that will ease the life of your dominant.

There are many more "Santa Clauses" out there and I will discuss others as these articles progress. I will address "If you don't 'fly' you aren't in subspace," and "If you aren't scening, there must be something wrong," among others. The more we think about what we say, the better off we all will be. We all need to remember that not everyone has the same background of experience or the same skill of filtering statements through what we know to be true. It is always better to explain at length so that someone gets the full picture of what we mean, than to toss a line out and expect the person to decipher it the way we mean them to, and in the manner, which it will help them, most.






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