The View From The Dragon's Lair: Power Exchangee

Author: Dragon~Lord aka Dennis © 2003

Used With Author(s) Permission


You have bound my heart with subtle chains,
So much pleasure that it feels like pain,
So entwined now that we can't shake free,
I am you and you are me.

No escaping from the mess we're in,
So much pleasure that it must be sin,
I must live with this reality,
I am yours eternally.

Dark obsession in the name of love,
This addiction that we're both part of,
Leads us deeper into mystery,
Keeps us craving endlessly.
Strange compulsions that I can't control,
Pure possession of my heart and soul,
I must live with this reality,
I am you and you are me"
-Depeche Mode "I am You"

I am struck by the lyrics of this song from their "Exciter" CD, it touches cords and strings within. The question is; is this song about a Sub or a Dom? Ah now that is the rub; for both will see aspects that fit each side of the coin. I feel the reason is because the song is about the power exchange. The mysterious incorporeal and tenuous thread of spirit that connects two (or more); it connects for an instant or for hours. Yet it is always and only at that particular moment, the here and now! Each beat of the heart or the tic of the second hand marks yet another episode of the here and now. This is something I call the ecosystem of spirit, in the biome of BDSM.

We all hear about reading body language and listening to the words of surrender. Hell even I have spoken of these things, but I have learned some things as I ripen on the vine so to speak. Yes as we first start out in the role as a Dom and first start picking up toys to administer to our lovely little ones, it is important to watch for body movement the language of flesh, stroked. We listen to the sounds that we illicit from their stimulations brought on by our own hands. These are outstanding techniques as we learn our own skill sets in handling the toys, i.e. S & M 101.

Well, there comes a time when you realize that dual flight is rare and that even solo flights are short or lacking something for one or the both of you. Guess it means you need to go to the next step and find out what is missing and that is spirit mixed with intent. No I'm not going to tell you that you need to get all metaphysical and wear Camille tea bags in your G-string and paint arcane symbols on your floggers and chaps. I will tell you that you should look into connecting with your little one and they you in a different manner than you may be used to. Gasp! Can you handle a little introspection of communication?

Try this the next time you decide to pick up a toy, let's say a flogger. Before you start, talk to your little one and tell them that to the best of their ability you do not want them to use any spoken language. No words, for words will place your conscious mind in control and it will analyze each stroke, weigh it, judge it and anticipate the next stroke, instead of exploring, flying and generally being in the moment; that here and now space. Tell them that they should breathe, exhaling on the stroke, not waiting or anticipating it, just exhaling at the point of contact. Have them growl, roar, or even just saying yes as they exhale. (One of the few vocalization of language allowed). Tell them to visualize the transfer of the energy from your body, through your arm coursing along the toy, discharging into their body and out through their breath, where it returns to you. (Hint: you might wish to do the same thing.)

The intent for the both of you is to just be there, in the moment, in the here and now, avoid the intent of "I'm gonna beat you into submission, or I'm gonna make you fly." It's counter-productive to the event. Do not think about the last stroke or the next one, you've learned the basics, your body knows where to strike and where not to, trust it, your little one does! Tell your little one that your only intent is to send each and every stroke with love and well being. Then do so, as you swing your implement swing it with the whole hearted feeling of love and well being. P.s. you too can growl, roar or even say yes as you swing.

You are trying to connect with each other on a level that is a bit more primal and therefore far more honest than either of your minds is used to being at. Now here is the hardest part, because you are both traveling the non-verbal road, understand that the road is not level nor straight, you will find times where it seems right to speed up or slow down or switch from a thudder to a stinger or vice a versa, you may find that something calls you to nibble on their neck or breathe in their ear, or even to growl into the nape of their neck, trust the whisper, it is the essence of the spirit that connects you with them. Tears, screams, rages, sobs, laughter, growls and roars are normal and should not prevent the continuance of the action. I know this is your little one, but unless they are telling you to stop with their safe word, they are right where they need to be. If you stop you are robbing them of their journey and you are doing them a disservice. Hard to do I know but trust them to know when they can not deal anymore, they'll tell you.

Now why do we do what we do? Is it just to beat someone? Stop raising your hands; all you sadists out there; that is not quite the right answer. Is it just to show who's in charge or has the better technique, damn I hope not! Most of us do this to connect with another on deeper levels than most are capable of reaching. (No this is not an argument to say we BDSMer's are better than those who do not practice our art, many reach deep levels in their own way, meditation, religion, scrape booking, whatever!)

Flogging is like a good movie or book, first you start out slow, building a familiarity with the main characters until there is an intimacy established, and then the action builds in steps towards a climax. Then in the language of stories it reaches a crisis, that point when a turning point is reached. Like all good stories one needs a comprehensive decline called the denouement; the section that ties up al the loose ends and often projects the action into the future. We call this after-care; a good rule of thumb if your going to play for one and half hours plan on the amount of time for after-care, it may not take that long but at least plan on it. And remember DON'T RUB; just hold firmly, would you like it if I rubbed your road rash? They don't either.

Now this is not all just me but concepts offered to me that validated what I was already learning or knew, but in a manner that I was able to grasp or wrap my mind around. My thanks to those who have shared their experiences with me: Master Steve, Master Skip, Slave Master and the rest of the Buchmann's Academy staff, but as they have told many they are just selling water by the river, and now I am just sharing my bucket with you. As always this is just my opinion so feel free to take what you like and leave what you don't. See you at Thunder in the Mountains.

Adieu and be well


A Master is one who is without telling you they are.






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