Sweet Shame: Humbling, psychological and verbal domination
Page 1

Author: ChrisM © 1998-2002
Of SubBondage.net


Used With Author(s) Permission


Humbling: To reduce someone in status. To punish the ego, and to open the heart.
To create humility, acceptance of externally provided edict, to put your trust in something outside you, bigger, higher, wiser. The intent is not to grind down or crush, any more than you would do a flogging scene. The goal is not to create damage but a delicious, exposed humility, a sense of frailty, vulnerability, worship, or a level where pretense and affectation has been stripped away.

Humbling is typically not pain oriented
Humbling is Cheap: no props required per se
Physical pain is not necessary
Much can be verbally based

Safety Issues

  • Psych play is very tricky be aware that it’s a thin ice game. Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me – actually the reverse is true.
  • When your flogging someone you can see the skin pinking up. But in Humbling play (like analplay!) its all happening inside you where you can’t see.
  • Talk beforehand to identify landmines where words may cut deeper than intended (weight, appearance, personal secrets, or failings, ethnicity)
  • During the scene make an effort to avoid any landmines Identified during prescene talks. (The wounds don’t show and may not ever heal)
  • Like everything else in SM, likes and dislikes are personal, there will be things you will probably like a lot and things you cannot abide
  • Bottoms be prepared to signal when things are going outside your limits
  • Tops be prepared to transition quickly into aftercare if something snaps

Tips on Topping someone verbally is really the craft of acting

Relax, and aim for having a sexy spontaneous good time
Block out distractions
Use the Magic “If”: What would I be doing if I was this wicked bad person. From there, act as naturally as you can.
Enjoy it. Build the scene so that it is pleasurable to you.
Use props, costume, toys, a cigarette, a drink, to get in character, threaten to burn him with the cigarette, or toss a drink in her crotch
Aim for an authoritative, yet natural tone, a commanding tone while still being you.
Take the imperative tone: (You do this….) give assignments, and commands. Take the attitude of a superior officer, employer, or aggressor
Tell them how to stand, or to sit
Touch them at will.
Take pleasure in what your doing
Take pleasure in their displeasure, embarrassment, shame, discomfort
Create confusion, befuddlement
Assign punishment if you wish to

Some tips for verbal Humbling play:

  1. Describe what you’re seeing. Let some of your verbal banter simply describe the situation and your partners reactions (Oh your blushing… you fill out those jeans very nicely, is that a drop of sweat? … what a predicament your in…etc)
  2. 1. And let some of your banter be guesswork about your partner is feeling. Ascribe lowly humiliating thoughts to them. (Your heart went pitter pat, when I suggested walking you down main street on a leash didn’t it… you really would like to have that waitress go down on you with the whole restaurant watching wouldn’t you…)
  3. Demand buy-in to what your saying. Demand that they acknowledge it personally (admit it…you really do want to eat from a dish on the floor)
  4. Express shock at the answers you just coerced (“ I don’t believe it…you LIKE eating from a bowl on the floor? Like a little poodle??!! My word!)
  5. Explain as you would to a child what they’ve done wrong, even if they’ve done nothing wrong
  6. Aim become comfortable issuing edicts and commands (Sit over there….Bring me a fresca…turn and face the wall)
  7. Change your mind (I said PEPSI… don’t sit there silly…fetch the paddle)
  8. Give demeaning commands (RUN!… don’t sit like that…hike up your skirt)
  9. Tell them in advance what’s going to happen because of their mistakes.
  10. 3. Alternate between harshness and comfort (follow punishing words with “there’s a good boy…you did so well…youll do better wont you…you know I don’t REALLY want to hurt you…not badly anyway”)
  11. Make them wait (Now you stand in the corner until I come fetch you…your in soooo much trouble”)
  12. Interrupt at will.
  13. Threaten (“ Im gonna give you to the count of ten to pick up this room… If you don’t get down on your knees in two seconds I'm gonna tickle you for an hour”)
  14. 3. Summon up imaginary witnesses. Involve them verbally (What would your parents think if they could see you now? I bet your best friend would be amused to see you like this…do you think he’s at home now? What if that waiter were here…what would you do then?)
  15. Walk them through a detailed verbal fantasy involving real or imagined characters (first he would say, how funny to see you all tied up and helpless)
  16. And continue to describe verbally what you see (you are bright red!…seriously, I cant tell whether you are scared or looking forward to this…you look good on your hands and knees… )

Roll with whatever happens: If they cant do something you expected them to do, make it a game to see if you can get them to do it. Don’t get angry or frustrated. Keep changing the scope of the game to encompass whatever is happening now.

If the role of humiliating sadist is awkward, Think of it as an acting job. It is acting, after all, but acting out a part of you that’s real.



Background: The Two Breeds of villain: Lucifer and the cockroach

First the cockroach: Weak Cringing misfit. Zero self-control, self discipline or self knowledge: (Peter Lorre in “M”, Glen Close in “Fatal Attraction”, Anthony Perkins in “Psycho”, Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs”)

Second: Milton’s Lucifer: These are sensuous, powerful creatures, calm, amused, at ease with themselves, independent, beholden to no one and no thing. Their sense of comfort and freedom the sense of ease in doing bad things. They know what they like, and they like being bad. They enjoy wielding power and often have a deep delight in beauty, culture and the senses. They have style (Dr. No to James Bond brandishing a champagne bottle as a club: “It’s a Don Perignon ’55. It would be a pity to break it.”) This delight in the senses is at least in part, what makes them bad, when their viewed through society’s moralizing lens. Often enjoy the pretense of fairness (often for the fun of it). Study their speech, posture, and personal habits? Practice some of their lines in front of a mirror (Sounds silly I know, but it works). Learn to cultivate an attitude of understated menace.


Homework Project: study the great villains of Cinema
Watch with a notepad handy and watch them carefully

Role models: Great villains of cinema:
Anthony Hopkins in “Silence of the Lambs”
Kathleen Turner in “Bodyheat”
Alan Rickman in “Closetland”
Rutger Hauer in “Blade Runner”
Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”
Darth Vadar in “Star Wars”
Hart Bouchner in “Apartment Zero”
Aaron Eckhardt in “In the Company of Men”
Lawrence Olivier in “Richard III”
John Huston in “Chinatown”
Michael Marsden (as Mr. Blonde) in “Reservoir Dogs”
Robert Mitchum in the original “Cape Fear”
Dennis Hopper in “Blue Velvet”
Sean Connery as James Bond.
Henry Fonda in “Once Upon a Time in the West”

Get in the habit of reading good literature.
This will get you familiar with what beautiful, powerful language is.
Memorize poetry and learn to recite from memory.
Get in front of a mirror and recite good lines
Find Good Source material: SM Porn is good for stealing ideas

General Ideas for humiliating someone
Have them drop their trousers
Get them turned on and talk about it
Tie them up and talk about how helpless they are
Take their temperature with a rectal thermometer
Make them crawl on a leash,
Do things in front of a mirror
Withhold bathroom privileges
Watch while they go tinkle
Make them play with themselves (in person, on phone, on tape)
Tell them you know how much they are enjoying it
Strip tease – lap dance
Make them beg for something
Genderfuck – panties and lace for boys,
Leave a note with instructions
(cum calendars) Make them keep a journal that you get to read
Make them wear humiliating clothes
Do things involving food
Lift skirt
Forbid them to resist and tickle them silly
Make them repeat embarrassing things
Draw attention to the fact that they are turned on
Assemble an audience
Crete evidence through pictures, drawings recordings
Do things where there is some risk of being caught
Make them confess their inner thoughts lusts desires
Make them do something scary or embarrassing
Pubic shaving
Role play - dog, pony, slave, geisha, harum girl
Objectification – make them serve as a footstool

What about Going too Far/Cracking the mood and how to avoid it
Start with gentler activities and work up. Remember: Guys are generally kinkier than women and your partner’s idea of wild may not differ from yours. “Suck me you cunt” may freak out a woman who wanted to hear “nibble me all over” Beware of “tell me your wildest fantasy” instead make her wait and try things out gradually. If your partner is resistant or just along for the ride, you need to proceed slowly. If you convince her that your ULTIMATE FANTASY is something that turns her stomach you may have screwed yourself. Introduce the ideas without the impetuous that its your be all and end all.

Just because something is your wildest fantasy doesn’t mean shes ready to hear it. Go slowly, gauging your partners reaction
And ask THEM for a hot fantasy (don’t ask for the hottest if you aren’t sure you want to hear). Ask for a HOT fantasy
Introduce things as what-if
Don’t go too far too fast
You can blow it by asking for what you really want
As dan savage put it lick whipcream of your nipples. Tie me up and pee on my
Ask what turns someonmne on

Volunteer gradually

Tickling how to get someone to tickle you
Tickle them
Is that all you’ve got then bat your eyelashes
Are you going to tickle me?
Nooo don’t
Please doooont

Next: On Scene Composition and Dance Of Light And Darkness: The Art Of Orchestrating An SM Scene

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