Author: Aylissa Cair © 2000

used with permission


I have spent a great deal of time recently thinking about BDSM. What causes someone to get involved in BDSM? For some people it is a mental or psychological need, for others it is physical in nature. They answer to the “why” varies for everyone. 

Some become involved in BDSM out of a need, desire, or love. The need to submit is very strong in some people, and with the right partner, that need can often override their other basic needs. For some it becomes the strongest motivation in all of their life choices. In this case the need is part of their psychological make up and often shows itself whether they are in a power exchange relationship or not, through such things as doing things for others specifically to make that person smile. In the case of a submissive, I think that is a need as well. Often I hear other submissives saying that they did not have a choice, and I can see how this might be true.  For allot of people, they have a desire to be useful, to do as others say, to do what Has to be done, without any real desire for "payment" it's simply their natural psychological state of being. Some do not have that desire, but experience a need to please in other shapes or forms or in certain, situations. 

 A need that cannot be explained or a desire for something new and different can lead people to start looking into BDSM activities.  Allot of people seem to have gotten into BDSM with light bondage, or pain play, without really being aware of what BDSM or dominance and submitting are.  Some delve into it because someone they come to love already enjoys it. That love is the basis for the desire to try BDSM.  Sometimes it evolves into a long lasting BDSM or D/s, relationship sometimes it does not. Some simply stumble upon the idea, through web pages, chat programs, or friends who introduce the idea to them.  The way it is introduced seems to have little to do with the end result, either they find they like the feelings, emotions, experiences, or they do not.

For some people, BDSM is just something they do for a “thrill”. It is all physical in nature, focusing solely on the physical thrill the play provides them. Spicing up their sex lives and making things more interesting. To the true masochist, for example, the actual joy comes from the pain. I honestly think that would be classified as more of a top/bottom relationship than a D/s one. In some submissives, I firmly believe it simply was never a choice. It is in their basic nature to be submissive.  That they are who and what they are, they have always felt the need to be in that position, how they have handled it, can vary, but for the most part usually putting themselves in situations, or positions where they are under the control of another person.  On the opposite side of it, there are some personalities, who naturally dominate, or try to control the situation, such as finding jobs, or relationships where they are in more in charge then their partner.

Why do I do it? I'm honestly still working on that. I find that I'm the happiest when I have made another person happy. When I've done something well, or useful. I think everyone has these general feelings, but for me, a lot of my own well being depends on these things. 



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