Personal Changes In BDSM

Author: Aylissa Cair © 2000

used with permission


Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking quite a lot, about what changes we go through over time, from when we first learn about BDSM , d/s, and s/m. When people are involved in BDSM things change over time. With more experience in the BDSM lifestyle, comes different points of view, different activities they enjoy and often more thrill seeking. These things happen because everyone grows with time, and in BDSM there are so many things to try that growth can continue almost forever. 

Allot of people's first reactions to BDSM, usually consist of disbelief, shock, and general discomfort with the idea that they could fit into the category of dominant or submissive and/ or  masochist or sadist. Then comes the curiosity, the need to understand and know more about what it is that your feelings mean. And of course, there is always the need there is to be normal, which is often a deterrent to even consider this type of lifestyle choice. Over time and with experience, these thoughts and first impressions change for everyone involved in BDSM.

Often people go through the first reaction that is along the lines of NO, that couldn't possibly ever be anything I could enjoy, need or want in my life. Over time and learning more about bdsm in general they will find what aspects of it do fit them. Which isn't to say those likes and dislikes, or wants and needs will not and should not change over time. If the desire or natural inclination is there, it's very hard to resist, the desire to investigate these different types of behaviors. I spent quite awhile reading, investigating, looking for ways that I fit into the description of submissive. In some ways, I have always, in others I do not. Over time I came to accept and enjoy what I am. With more experience I found that many of the activities I hated when I first heard of them, are now ones I enjoy and crave. Those activities do not match for every person, nor do they have to. 

Why does it change? Well, just as there is the desire to ignore the needs and thoughts that differ from "normal" society, there is also the desire to follow ones own needs. If this is done in a safe, and well thought out manner, allot of good can come of it. Dominant/submissive relationships can and often are very healthy, in that trust is a major foundation of them.  Of course there is the other side of the coin, when people abuse such relationships for quick kinky sex, and or other darker needs, including and up to death. That is why precautions must be taken beforehand to insure both participants safety and well being. It can also change because as time goes on a person can learn to accept the things they have discovered in themselves, and thus realize they are not crazy or anything like that, just different. And being different is not a bad thing. For many BDSM is a thrill, and the changes occur when they decide to actively seek those thrills. For many who enjoy pain play, it can take more and more to achieve the same affect one used to have. Can you go to far to seek the thrill that you first got when trying something. Yes I honestly think that it might be a possibility, some people are constantly reaching to prove that they can take more, do better, prove their submission as it were. That they forget safety measures that can and will in allot of cases protect their lives and or their mental health.

Is it really too far? If you're safe? (YOUR idea of safe)
I think, in some cases, what others see as to far, such as something that came to my attention not to long ago, punching and kicking, would not be to far in other peoples opinion. In my case, no I would not do this I don't believe. However, after asking questions, and discovering the motivations that some people have in doing so, I personally believe it's no more extreme, with the proper safety measures of course, than any of the other activities that others among us practice frequently. Flogging, caning, paddling, can or could be considered abusive by people who do not, or choose not to understand as well each of those activities have their own dangers associated with them. Often the motivations are quite similar for any of these activities and as such, I don't believe in cases such as these, it can be judged by those outside of the situation.  What do I mean by general safety. Do both parties understand, and know of the possible affects of these activities? Do they both agree that it is an acceptable risk? Do they both feel safe in this choice? And yes, I do mean both of them, the submissive may be the one getting flogged/kicked/punched/whatever, but the dominant is also accepting a certain amount of risk, what happens if the submissive decides that this isn't what she wanted to happen? She can call the police; ruin the dominant completely, including losing his job, family if he has one, and up to putting him in prison for assault.

Is there such a thing as discussing TO much, I certainly think so, I think in some cases, things are so over discussed, and no I do not mean that safety should not be discussed, but when it becomes you know every single little tiny thing that has happened to other people, could happen to you, Might happen to you, it often causes more fear for some then it alleviates.
Someone likened it to a roller coaster, yes, there is mild fear. You might fall, what could happen if the roller coaster has a problem, fear with no real basis, but fear nonetheless. However, you still get on the roller coaster, you ride it and you scream at the top of your lungs, the adrenaline rushes through your body, and in some ways. Your Free. The same sensation often comes with play, slight fear of a new activity is normal, but often after or during such things, the fear goes away, the adrenaline rushes through. And. subspace. In the over discussion, there is nothing Left to fear, so, you begin fearing the unknown, and it grows, blocking out all else. It can be very very difficult to overcome this type of fear. And in some cases it can't be overcome.


For the most part, none of the things I first learned in relation to BDSM, are a instant   “NO” with me. There are still things I do not believe I would ever enjoy, However, I do not rule out the possibility that I may at some time in the future, find someone I wish to do those things simply for their pleasure. Everyone changes. As long as you exist, you should enjoy the things you can. 



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