Meeting Someone Else Into BDSM

Author: Ambrosio ©

Used With Author(s) Permission


On occasion, someone writes me for advice on meeting others into BDSM. Here is my reply (more or less) to a woman who wanted to meet straight dominant men.


Dear submissive,

You wrote asking me for advice find a straight male dominant. I will try to answer your question as best I can. I don't cosnider myself an expert on the subject but I've learned things over the years and I'm happy to share with you some of my opinions and thoughts.

Having said that, let me give you my advice on the matter. It's easy to find a straight dominant (or some one who claims to be.) What's more important is finding the right straight dominant -- someone who is concerned with your safety and well being and has a compatible scene in mind.

My first suggestion is attend socials** such as the SAS/M socials in San Antonio and the Group With No Name munches in Austin: It's a great way to meet a lot of people on safe, neutral ground. Get to know people in the scene -- not just the straight dominants but the submissives and switches of all sexes and orientations. Everything you can learn about our community can help you. Don't commit yourself to finding a Dom immediately. Get to know them as people, find out their interest, gauge them for a similar concept of BDSM, find out what they want, and decide if you are compatible.

Avoid dominants who come on too strong. I wouldn't trust someone who feels as though they need to prove their dominance. A good Dominant shouldn't feel the need. Walk away from someone who tells you "If you were a true submissive you would do this." Submission is a gift given freely, not stolen. A good dominant will respect a submissive who chooses carefully.

If someone intrigues you, ask around about him. Consider carefully the advice of a submissive who recommends her top too highly. As a good submissive, she might feel obligated to do so. Consider the advice of a submissive "free agent" who plays with several tops.

I think going the s/munches is the best way to meet the right Dom but there are other ways. Go to parties, observe, and mingle (but go to the socials and make friends first.) Post and answer personal ads.*

Once you've found a dom you are intrigued with you need to consider safety. Sadly there are dangerous people out there who deliver more than they promise. Read my article "Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online"* and Off" at and Jay Wiseman's "Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman".*

I hope this information is useful.


This article is from Ambrosio's BDSM Website at

You are free to print this article or repost it to any freely accessible Internet site provided you:

  1. Post it in it's entirety (including these instructions),
  2. Credit me properly,
  3. Include a working hyperlink to my website at the bottom of the article, and
  4. Write me via email with the details (including the URL of the posting.) Use the email address listed at (BTW, please don't post my email address. I've gone to a lot of trouble to hide it from spammers.)

* this link opens another page inside the LnR website and will load over the page you are currently viewing. To return to this page use the back button on your browser.

** If you are not in Texas you can find listings of munches and social groups, by state, in the Munch Group link list of this web site.



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