Last week bobby and I spent a day and a night at Michael's. It was a relaxed day for Mike and I while bobby did some extra scrubbing and caught up on some domestic chores for Michael. Yes, having a lover who has a slave (even it it's only part time) has its benefits. Later that night, after a fine dinner and a soak in the Jacuzzi, the three of us played.

In the course of our leathersex I paddled bobby and handed the instrument of discipline to Michael. God, that (lover) boy needs lessons. The gentle taps that Michael administered were no challenge at all, even to bobby's sensitized butt. I love Michael but he's no Master material! His taps were weak and tentative, with neither conviction nor pain.

By dint of inexperience, Michael is no master. He lacks confidence in his "ability" to administer pain.

Last week's Marks of a Master really short changed one of the more important qualifications of a true master: a self-image that has confidence in its own abilities to dominate. It's giving oneself permission to be assertive, to control, to demand. In no uncertain terms, a master has to be secure in his feelings about being selfish.

The confidence that a Master has to wield extends further than to the end of a whip. Certainly the admission that one is a sadist and has the right to enjoy sadistic activity is part of a master's character. Sadism, though, is only one of the ways that dominance is exercised, albeit a noticeable one.

Confidence shows itself in one's ability to do what one likes, to order others to do one's bidding, and to enjoy the results of one's control over others. By culture and ethics we often feel that to allow others to serve us is somehow wrong. It takes ownership of one's mastery to sit back while another obeys.

Our natural, or at least cultural bias, is to help others in their chores. Even guests often feel the compunction to help with the dishes, so to speak. To let a slave prepare, serve, and attend to all the duties of a good dinner and then to walk away from the table as he cleans up the mess, takes courage and the belief that one has the right to be served, especially when it's done night after night.

We're not talking about sharing duties. We're talking about being having a slave work for you. There's no fifty-fifty stuff in this relationship. Instead there is a strict hierarchy of authority, enforced by whatever means the master desires.

bobby recently commented that I didn't look like a 38 year old. (I'm not.) I failed the see the humor in his words and told him so. The next time he said that I grabbed a paddle and punished him. The other night at dinner Lynn didn't like bobby's attitude so he simply told me to "give bobby five good ones" on a "cold" ass.

There was no prep to the punishment, no building up to the pain. I didn't use a crop or belt. I just went at him with my clothes brush (reserved for punishment only). You get my point, the master/slave relationship is authoritarian. The master has to be able to be an authority.

Although there's always a place for civility, manners are different between master and slave. There is no need to reciprocate. Lynn and I often have bobby satisfy our sexual needs while the slave boy who has taken care of us is made to go unrequited. Those are Lynn's testicles that bobby carries and they will be milked for his master's, not his own, pleasure.

It's not our job to please our slave. It is his job to please us. It takes confidence to live the dictum that the only reason for a slave to be in his master's presence is for the pleasure of the master.

Yes, slaves have benefits as well, though one might be hard pressed to call blue balls a benefit. bobby, though, enjoys the feelings that heightened sexual awareness give him. Going days, even more than a week, without an orgasm energizes bobby and makes him feel more productive.

Sadistic behavior has its rewards for both master and masochist. Inflicting pain, reddening a butt, and leaving marks are the owner's prerogative. A master has to have the confidence to speak in exactly those terms. He has to be able to see his slave as property, chattel, a mere toy. Inflicting pain is one way to "take ownership," though it is by no means the only one.

Ownership is what makes the relationship work. The slave has freely and fully given him or herself to the master. The master has confidence that the gift is complete and that he has the right to enjoy the gift in whatever way he wishes.

Lynn, bobby, and I went to the Eagle last Saturday night. There were no convenient parking spaces, so bobby was instructed to drop us off and find a parking space. After our socializing was done, bobby was told to go get the car for us. Without hesitation, bobby knew that his slavery meant it was his mater's pleasure to use him as a chauffeur. Like I said, there's more to slaving than sex and sadism.

That fact is what separates tops and bottoms from masters and slaves. Yes, the two or three hour playtime that we all enjoy is the rule rather than the exception. Relationships such as the ones that Lynn, Mike, bobby, and I share are unique to say the least. There are a lot of qualities that make our leather family "work," not the least of which is Lynn's steadfast authority that stems from the indisputable fact that he believes in himself.

Indecision, hesitation, and doubt can be covered in a "play scene" but not in real life.

And therein lies the surprise. From the opening paragraphs of this column one might get the idea that Michael is weak. That is the furthest thing from the truth. Instead he is strong, determined, and steadfast. He has a successful professional career, a beautiful home, two closely committed relationships, and financial stability.

He is a master at work, a bottom at play. He's no slave but his love and trust allow him to give himself as fully as he wants, which happily is just what I like. You see, this confidence stuff works two ways. Slaves and bottoms need to be confident as well, both in their ability to serve and their master's ability to rule.

And so we come back to the beginning. Confidence is necessary for any human relationship to work. The more there is trust, the more the relationship can deepen, intensify, and have satisfaction. And how do you get confidence? There's a topic for another week!

Copyright 1995 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved. This material may not be copied in any manner. For permission to reproduce this essay, contact mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at "Jack Rinella's Weekly LeatherViews".