My Own Realization

Author: Ron© 1998

used with permission


   I came into my own realization slowly. I was 34 before I could put a name to what my desires were, and what my needs were telling me. I had fought for almost all my adult life the urge to dominate in my first marriage and that struggle inside myself is what I think contributed to the inevitable dissolution of that marriage. 

   After the divorce I started dating in a very casual way a lady who I met through our sons ( best friends in school ). We enjoyed one another's company and had a great deal to talk about in our respective failed marriages.  One evening, after a dinner and a couple of drinks she was feeling somewhat relaxed. She started telling me more of herself than she had before.  She asked if I was attracted to her and of course I said yes.  Then she asked why I had never made a pass at her.  I confessed that I was moving slowly because I did not know if she was attracted to me and felt somewhat self conscious on my first new relationship in 15 years.  She laughed and shook her head and said something like "If you only knew what I wanted from you". So, of course, I asked.  She looked me in the eyes and said "I think I could love you, but I have needs that will probably send you running for the hills."  Her eyes were serious but I did not even hesitate when I asked what those needs were.  She told me that she had been trained as a slave;  that she craved giving over total control and wanted someone who could take that control from her.  Then she looked me in the eyes and smiled, "Feel like running now?"  I could barely swallow.  Upon hearing the word slave I had felt the most intense rush of my life.  Unable to speak I just took her hand and stood, paid for the drinks and lead her out of the bar. 

   I took her to her home and as I drove I held her hand in silence.  My mind was swirling with images and thoughts.  When we arrived at her home She led me to the bedroom. We sat on the bed for a moment before I asked her to explain more of what she needed and what she liked.  She told me of suspension and whips; crops and leather belts. She told me of the things that had been done to her before and how she had enjoyed them all.  And as she spoke I felt my heart pounding harder and harder.  I could not imagine myself using a whip.  But the thought of it being done was exciting me beyond reason.  As I sat there and listened to her telling me the tale of her journey into submission and the realization that she was happiest as a slave to a strong master I found myself finally facing my desire clearly. A lifetime of growing up hearing about treating everyone equally was now fighting with my clarified desires and even more those desires being accepted by this lady.  I felt my whole world changing around me, realizing that this is what I wanted at least in part, the light B/D portion of play.  My mind still shied from the thought of punishing anyone for an infraction and the S/m portion of my excitement but I could not repress the desire entirely, to see her over my lap to spank her and give her the sensations that she said she loved so much.  

   When she finished telling me this she was looking down at the floor, having slipped to her knees beside the bed at my feet.  I reached down and cupped her chin and made her look up at me, tears were welling in her eyes and I could see clearly how much she had trusted me to tell me so much on such a short time in knowing me.  I told her that I could not imagine myself as a master.  But that I did want to play with her.  Afterward ( No I am not going into details <grin>) we cuddled on her bed and she spoke of how she had always thought of me as dominant. This brought to mind the thought of me whipping her with a single tailed whip, an image that I could not accept at that time.  I laughed and told her that the only category that she had told me about that I thought was for me was that of a Top ( a bedroom Dom )  That I could not see myself as a dominant, doing things on a 24/7 basis as she had described them.  Nor could I see myself as a master exerting control over someone's every moment or life outside the bedroom. 

   We had played a few time when she found someone online who wanted to be her dominant and lived only 360 miles away.  She asked if I could take her to meet this person and his wife, as she was a little hesitant to meet them alone.  Happy to meet these people that I had only met on line before, I quickly agreed. 

  That is how I met raven.  The 4 of us talked for hours on end and at one time both ladies agreed that I was a natural Dom, and laughed at my repeated rejection of their opinion.  I went so far as to lower my eyebrows and deepen my voice and really go Dom on them to tell them I was not a Dom. (raven still laughs about this). 

   But the real step in this journey was when I first laid eyes on raven.  The affect on me was nothing less than a lightning strike.  I was stunned.  And as we all talked I found myself deliberately not looking at her, worried that my desire for her would shine like a beacon.  And the next morning (after I had slept alone ) I spanked this lovely lady for the first time, through her jeans with my bare hand and was happy that I was wearing a floppy shirt so as to hide my all to prominent reaction to touching this lady. 

   As time passed I came to know more and more about the lifestyle.  I came to accept that this desire to be a dominant was not unnatural.  I grew up in a way. I finally understood that I would only be happy if I was in charge of everything around me, to shape my world to my satisfaction. I came to realize that I have been doing just that in many aspects of my life, controlling the things around me and making things to fit my desires.  My upbringing caused me to fight it every step of the way. trying to prevent me from extending it to those that I loved.  But the idea was firmly planted in my mind and as my knowledge grew, it gained ground. I have continued to research the lifestyle and grow within myself.  


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