From A Dom's Perspective: Effects Of Love On BDSM

Author: Dragon~Lord aka Dennis © 2002

Used With Permission Of The Author(S)


“Forgive her - for she knows not what she does -
A cross upon - her bedroom wall,
From grace she will fall,
An image burning in her mind
And between her thighs!”
“Christian Woman” - Type O Negative

“Just when you think you got me figured out,
the seasons already changin’
my fingers cool, you do what you do,
and don’t try to save me,
I’m a bitch - I’m a lover,
I’m a child - I’m a mother,
I’m a sinner - I’m a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,
I’m your health - I’m your dream,
I’m nothing in-between,
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.
I’m a bitch - I’m a tease,
I’m a goddess on my knees,
When you’re hurt, when you suffer,
I’m your angel undercover,
I’ve been up - I’m revived,
Can’t say I’m not alive,
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way…”
“Bitch” - Meredith brooks

I’ve come to a time I have secretly dreaded,
The time when you ask me to take you -
To a place that your soul screams for,
A place my own, yearns to have and explore.

This position is one you crave and implore,
Humiliation, deeply needed lies behind that door,
Intensities that I crave and can do -
But with any one but you, you who shares my hearts bed.
“Quandary of Loving S/M” - Dennis Burns

Interrogations, Golden showers, Humiliation, Degradation, Toilet Servitude and what ever may be a trip or trigger for you and yours. Intensity is a relative thing; subject to the interpretations each and every one of us uses to define the varied gradations as our personalized reference point or measuring stick. Now when we are playing (working) with another we understand that no matter how many times we may have done a thing, each time will be unique in some manner, one of the reasons we like to do similar things (I never consider them the same for this reason). Each time we explore another with the intent to take them and our selves to new levels or sensations we usually do so with great care in preparations but also with great excitement for the upcoming journey. We relish this time and some times can barely contain or enthusiasm to begin.

But wait, Murphy the scourge of every Dungeon and Dom/me raises his scaly head and drops something into the soup of your fun, this small little something changes the taste and the texture of the play you are planning, the more personally intensive the scene is to be for either of the parties, the more it twists the flow and convolutes the flavor of the energetic soup. Not all Dom/me’s or Master may experience this quandary that Murphy places before them, but alas it has been dropped in front of me and a few others at times. This strange ethereal substance, this essence of something so small that it is not physically tangible, yet can be one of the most powerful of experiences one may encounter is called: Love! Or for some it may even be just a strong sense of caring and concern. (Not all of us can admit to a commitment as strong as the “L” word…grin.)

Last week you could have easily had yours on all fours becoming the perfect ottoman, or scrubbing the bathroom tile with only a toothbrush and a smile, or when doing an interrogation scene the thought of not slapping a face or yelling in the face would have been unthinkable, till that bastard Murphy dropped that tiny little nearly invisible drop into your well tended pot of whoop ass, full tilt boogie, let’s freakin’ play soup. Now your plans become a tangled mass, a jumbled ball of rope, in the Navy it is called a bird’s nest. You know - when your nice rope was not stored correctly and it took you an hour to untangle it.

If you are in a loving commitment and this has never happened to you, then count your blessings. Some of us though have had to cross this rickety bridge or risk losing much that makes us who we are. This is not like those times that some go through, where the say they’ll sell all their toys and retire to a very mundane and vanilla enclave in some remote corner of an obscure state. Or live on the banks of a river called De Nile. It is not as blatant as Top/Dom/Master drop at all. Nay-dear reader it is an insidious bestial virus that creeps slowly behind you and gnaws at the very edge of your core self. It slides between the cracks of your confidence and like a weed that will crack the mighty concrete with its constant unrelenting pressure, causes one to start to hear things like, “are you ok? … You seem to be off center, … you hit like a sub!! How come you can give them your inner beast but all I get is your bunny foo foo?” (Well maybe not that drastic but you get my drift.)

One day you begin to notice that you are not releasing your beast within as much, in fact you may find with some deep searching that instead of your little one being bound and trussed up like a delightful sack of squirming lust, it is in fact your inner beast that is bound and gagged, chained to your core and you may even find that it’s feeding has been woefully lacking. It may come to your attention that you and yours are having more difficulty in communicating wants and needs or achieving them. Abrasive verbal contacts between the two of you, stilted or stunted rapport, even disagreements over the most minor minutiae. That silly assed drop of love, has thrown your whole world off its axis, now you and yours are plummeting into the fiery sun. You are off center and all those whom you love are as well.

Ironic isn’t it, you find that you can not find it within you to give to those you love the very thing that their require and they require it from you. Yet you can not make the one you care so much about to do those type of things that you may have had them doing two months ago, before you fell in love with them. Though you may have fallen in love with them precisely because they would do those things for you, because they love you or wish to serve to the best of their ability by giving you those things you most want.

You can do those things to another but not to them at this juncture of your relationship. It is the Madonna-whore syndrome.

Relax it seems that this virus only occurs in the Dominants gene pool. Your little one(s) may not refuse to serve because they feel it is not right for you because they love you. Hell they usually get better because they do!

Relax there is a cure to it as well, for those afflicted with this virus:

You are not alone in this.

The first step is to notice that you are off center and not taking what is yours.

And that you are not giving your beast to the little one(s)

If you find that your beast is hungry, feed it, a little bit at a time, inner beasts with upset tummy’s suck royally.

Understand that you are the center to others as well as your self.

If you are not working towards insuring the well being of yours then you should not have others to take care of. (A Master must master themselves before they can control another)

If you are not taking your little ones where they need to go, ask yourself why?

If it is because you have not yet mastered a skill say single tail, no problem and no shame, ask another whom you both trust to share that experience with yours. With you observing and handling the after care. (yours will get what they need and you will not lose face, quite the opposite is true, plus you learn as well.

If it is the Madonna-whore syndrome: my wife is a saint so she could never give me head, unless I made her look like a hooker. (Funny but a very real thing for some folks) then realize that what they want from you is what they want, you are not sullying your canonized mother, father, husband or wife here. You are giving a needed aspect of their very core, you are taking them exactly where they need to be, and didn’t they ask for it? Why are you punishing them and yourself by denying both of your needs?

Do it, but understand why you are doing it, that little piece of essence that Murphy dropped is not really love, it is a bit of your upbringing a bit of your core ethics formed as a child… “Boys don’t hit girls, only bad girls do that, couples always have separate beds and one foot on the floor… huh? … etc”
So when you find that you are not giving to yours because it is not right for they are your … Precious … my Precious … (sorry Golum came to mind, and you know how he faired.) remember you are not doing them or yourself any favors by denying your beast within the pleasures of your little one and the pleasures that they receive from your attentions. It is a cold cruel thing that those moral lessons from childhood though well intentioned as they maybe, can cause so much havoc with us as adults.

Again for those of you, who have never had to cross this flaming bridge, count your blessings, but for those of us who have; just like fire walking, you feel the heat and the fear and aft the other side you feel the growth and warmth within. (Though I suspect those who have not are very similar to those who participated in a study a long time ago. 90% of the men and 20% of the women admitted to masturbating; the remainder lied!)

So always strive to be yourself and true to that individual and those within your sphere of influence, those outside will see you as you are.

Until we speak again. Take Care and be well, and as always remember to take what you like, leave what you don’t.


“What colour is a Dragon my son?”
“Crimson, Master, Bloody crimson, no matter what doth the eyes say"






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