An Open Letter To A Novice Domme Author:
Ambrosio of San Antonio © Used With Permission Of The Author(S) |
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(all the links within this article will open Ambrosio's site in a new window, unless otherwise noted- Raven) This is based on a brief correspondence I had with a novice
Domme. "The attributes of a great lady may still be found in the rule of the four S's: Sincerity, Simplicity, Sympathy and Serenity." - Emily Post Dear Peaches (Queen of the Universe),
1: Learn as much as you can. You could begin with Internet resources. There are plenty of good websites with which to start: Mine -- at http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/ -- happens to be one of them. It contains some useful articles such as ...
These short articles should get you off to a good start -- but don't stop there. Read at least one good non-fiction book on the subject. You can find a list of recommended titles at http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/gen/book.html . As I recall, S&M 101 has a short chapter just for women who have been asked to dominate a gentleman friend. The Topping Book (writen by two women) focuses on the top half of the top - bottom equation. 2. Communicate with your sub: First get to know him as a human being, outside of role play. Then identify his expectations. Talking might not be enough. If he expects you to ask all the right questions or somehow read his mind and if he's not fully communicative and forthright, then you might have to interrogate him. <evil grin> By interrogate, I mean ask him challenging questions like:
(HINT: Don't settle for "i have none" as an answer to the last
question. Some Dommes avoid subs who claim to have "no limits".
It can be interpreted as either ignorance or confusion between fantasy
and reality -- or maybe just a complete break with reality.) Don't settle for vague or uninformative answers. Probe. If he answers you by saying "i wish you to dominate me" or "i want whatever you want," reply with "that goes without saying but you still haven't told me what I need to hear." Remind him that you need his cooperation to live up to your own standards. You want a happy, healthy sub -- or at least not an unhappy, unmotivated one. Observe him. How he answers your questions can be as important or more important than what says. Be sure to compare what he thinks dominance means with what you think dominance means and ask yourself "are these ideas compatible?" If you want a hard working sissy maid while he's only looking for a night of kinky sex then maybe it isn't a good match.
3: Work: Give him assignments and duties that will make your life easier, more productive, and more pleasant. This is something that those of us who have been raised with values of independence, self sufficiency, and egalitarianism find difficult. You will need to be specific with your assignments without micro-managing him. If you find it's easier in the long term to do the assignments yourself than to assign them to your sub, then something is wrong. When you trust his competency, go out with him without your purse. (If you must have your belongs with you, have him carry them.) Have him drive, open doors for you, pay for you both, make cell phone calls, take messages, fetch food and drinks, and generally serve. Let him make you feel like royalty or a head of state. (Does the President carry a wallet?) If you have the opportunity to spend lots of time together in active situations (shopping, running errands, going to parties, etc.,) one of the best uses of dom-sub resources is to have your sub observe you and to actively learn to anticipate your needs. He should note when you get chilly and need a wrap, when you're thirsty and need a drink, when your feet are tired and you need them rubbed, when you're bored talking to someone and you need an excuse to leave, etc., This assignment is engrossing for your sub and liberating for you. 4: Rules: Draw up a few appropriate rules. The fewer rules you establish and the more reasonable they are, the easier they will be to enforce. Too many rules can be a burden for the top to enforce and for the sub to observe. (Believe me.) As a result, your team's morale can suffer. Choose rules that are reasonable and possible for your sub to follow. Don't set him up for failure Also be willing to compromise. It's not a sign of weakness. Rather it is a sign of true strength. As Ani DiFranco sings in "Buildings and Bridges":
Whatever rules you decide on:
5: The Issue of Punishment: Be consistent and resolute, firm but even-tempered. Your sub may test your limits and resolve -- intentionally or -- more likely -- unintentionally. So if you establish rules, be prepared to enforce them. Which brings up the questions: How do you enforce your rules? Do you punish your submissive? I have four perspectives for you to consider. You can enforce the rules without punishment. When your sub does something wrong or omits performing a duty, acknowledge it swiftly. For example:
It's a matter of taste and style but I handle a sub's errors this way:
It's been my experience that just noting these lapses is more than adequate punishment for a sincere submissive. There's no reason to be overly disappointed, confrontational, or punitive when mentioning these lapses. Don't embarrass your sub in public. He should feel bad enough about it. On the other hand ignoring these lapses will disappoint your submissive. They'll feel you're not invested enough to pay attention. If it's not your intention to prolong your submissive's discomfort -- and if it's an honest mistake, it shouldn't be -- make it clear that you think the matter is closed and there will be no further discipline necessary. Ideally my submissive has a sincere desire to serve me well -- in which case punishing for an honest mistake is unwarranted. If the submissive is not sincere then we're not a good match for anything -- outside of casual play.
The problem arises when the domme is serious about being obeyed and her sub is not. He might be a brat or S.A.M. -- a "smart assed masochist." S.A.M.s are not truly submissive but they pretend to be because they think that's "how the game is played". The S.A.M. will find a domme, "submit" to her for a while, and then disobey and disrespect her in order to get punished. That's fine as long as that game is acceptable to you both and you're not concerned how your relationship appears to others in the scene. Personally I prefer the direct approach. If someone wants me to flog them into subspace, they should just ask. I call that play. I find S.A.M. behavior disrespectful. But if you're a sadist and enjoy playing the firm disciplinarian, you might want a S.A.M. BTW, bratty behavior is often unacceptable in the BDSM scene but in the spanking scene -- where it's always about play and never about D/s -- bratty activity is quite common and indulged. Don't get offended if someone "brats" you at a spanking party. He's just being playful. Note: If you want to read more about the punishment issue, Guy Baldwin has an insightful article about it in his book The Ties That Bind.
6: Role Models on Film: You can find some great role models on videos and DVDs. Some great femme fatales include:
Each of these femme fatales display the assertiness, confidence, wit, gentleness, sadism, overt sensuality, subtle sexuality, and control that are the outward traits of a great domme. Incorporate what appeals to you but remain true to yourself. Don't just imitate the outward trappings of those performances. Mimicking Michlle Pfeiffer's vampish delivery as the Catwoman will appear artificial and insincere -- a sad attempt at being someone you're not. Instead emulate the inherit qualities of strength, confidence, control, and intelligence displayed in these performances. Don't practice coy smiles in the mirror, get into the mindset of a Marquise de Merteuil. Rather than indicating that you are a domme, be a dome: Resist an inclination to "act the part" (BTW, male doms and daddies also have rolemodels they can emulate:
It's not the violence of these characters that interests me. Violence implies a loss of control and it's the control they display over their situations and themselves that I find fascinating. James Bond is unflappable even when facing certain death. Dracula doesn't need to open doors -- they open for him. Don Corleone doesn't raise his voice. When he has something to say, people listen.)
7: Don't try too hard. By that I mean:
(To be a domme you must feel strong, confident, intelligent, and in control. That can't be faked.)
8: And finally, be trustworthy and honorable: You must be a lady first and a domme second.
Remember that you have accepted control over -- and responsibility for -- the health and well being of another human being. As Stan Lee observed, "With great power comes great responsibility." Take care with the power you have over someone else's health and happiness. Good luck. Please let me know if my advice helps. Yours in Leather, This article is from Ambrosio's BDSM Website at http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/ You are free to print this article or repost it to any freely accessible Internet site provided you:
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Page by: Raven Shadowborne © 2001 Graphics & Buttons by: Aylissa Cair & Raven Shadowborne © 1999 & 2001 |
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