Advice For The New Dominant

Author: TautLine © 2000

used with permission


THE BEGINNING…First, You should take a serious look at yourself. What is it about BDSM that You find appealing?  Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life?  Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be?   Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom?   Alternatively, is it something in-between?  Whether, it's the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself.  Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation.   Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave.  You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

NEXT STEP… Turn Your attention to the mechanics.  At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your loins?   Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the possibilities of this life?  You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on.  It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires.  The converse is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place.  For now, what is it that You desire?  Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee?   Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped?  Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT…Now step back and think about what it is You desire.  Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further?  Time to look inside again...are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails?  Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off.  Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible.  The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm?  If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.

THE ASSESSMENT DONE…Now that You have carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities that being a Dominant entails.  Now, that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires.  Are willing to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul?  If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that.  It is a much wiser person who understands him or herself, and does not try to betray what they are or their abilities. 

RESPONSIBILITIES…If You have continued with this article, I shall assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn more.  As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My responsibilities lightly, nor should You.  Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to watch out for.  Others like more intense play, such as, fireplay, piercing, knife play, whips, and more.  These are quite demanding, and there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, there are inherent risks in virtually all levels of physical play.  So, before You pick up that bullwhip or candle it's time to learn all that You can.  Read as much information as You can find on the topic.  Visit a local club or other setting and witness it being done.  Go to workshops and do not be afraid to ask Someone with more experience to teach You. 

PATIENCE…So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still have not had any fun, yet, right? That is the idea.  You are going to have another person under your thumb here, you need to have patience and be certain of what you are doing.  Remember, first You have to be in control of Yourself, before You can control another.

SEEKING…OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what you want, taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to experience and now You are familiar with the techniques.  What's next?  Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner.  The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive.  The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours.  You can should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested.  There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us.  If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it.  If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You.  You will both be frustrated by the experience.  Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

RELATIONSHIPS…Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well.  Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle?  Nobody ever plays around the clock.  If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

BEHAVIOR…OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for.  Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

MORE RESPONSIBILITIES…Remember that You are going to be responsible for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them, they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands.  From My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have come from more experienced submissives.

SAFETY…Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety.  There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS. 

NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do.  Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her considerable mental harm, (2) You'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is needed.  You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who assigned a sub the safeword "aspen". She needed it, but could not remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant.  I use have the submissive use two safewords.  One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically, mentally, or emotionally.  The other, which if the submissive uses,  I will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want to continue or conclude the scene.  Remember that safewords are not the submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.

SAFE PLANS are pre-arranged between the submissive and a friend.  They include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, Whom the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled time(s).  If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting Your little party.  Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get wrapped up and lose track of time.  I never meet with a new partner without assuring that she has a safeplan in place.  This includes public meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me.  I expect them to have, as much care for their own safety, as I do.

AFTER CARE…Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness.  It will take a while for your partner to "fully return" to the present.  There is nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state.  You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down.  For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the submissive.

CONCLUSION…In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn.  We in the BDSM community are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of us is perfect.  We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have been in this life for years or are just starting out.  There are many in the community, who are willing to help you in your journey.  Seek the advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very willing to help T/those W/who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as /well, for the respect You earn in the community will be great. 




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