BDSM Long Distance Relationships

Author: Raven Shadowborne & hyacinth © 1999

hyacinth's addendum used with her permission


  An LDR which contains BDSM is very difficult to maintain and not something that should be entered into lightly. BDSM itself, is complicated and a lot of work. Relationships alone are the same way. LDR's are even more so Add BDSM to an LDR and you have a most difficult relationship in front of you. They are not impossible to maintain, far from it, but they do require a level of dedication that many can not achieve and maintain through this medium.  

   Like a standard romantic LDR a BDSM LDR requires commitment, honesty and time from the participants. It also requires an active imagination and a bit of extra work to keep the power exchange that a BDSM relationship requires in place. Through such things as daily rituals or assigning tasks the dominant can maintain that feeling of submission in his/her submissive. Through dedication and obedience the submissive can do their part to keep the power exchange healthy. Imagination, creativity and attention become extremely important here. A dominant who neglects the submissive because they are LDR, will soon find him/herself without a submissive. The same goes for the submissive.  

   Trust becomes more of a necessity in this type of LDR. The dominant must trust the submissive to be carrying out their orders. (Though with the camera programs that allow you to see each other, this can easily be checked up on, it is my opinion these programs should not be necessary for the dominant to know the submissive is following orders) The submissive must trust the dominant to fully understand the way he/she lives. This is only achievable through complete honesty. It is a necessity that both parties tell the other when something is wrong or something is going right. Feedback and communication become more imperative in an LDR BDSM relationship. 

   A relationship is highly individual. My relationship is not the same as yours and yours is not the same as the person next door. The same holds true in an LDR. Being yourself and not something you truly are not is an absolute necessity to make a BDSM LDR work. If you have little or no experience of the B/d And S/M parts of BDSM in reality, then it is most difficult to discuss how you might react to something, this should be made known to your partner. By hiding your lack of experience, you set yourself and your partner up for some serious hurt.  

   Scenes in cyber always go right. No one ever types in that they tails of a flogger wrap around and snap into the wrong spot on the submissive. The vibrators always work and have fresh batteries. The submissive can take everything the dominant dishes out because they aren't truly feeling the sensation, be it pain or pleasure. This is where knowing yourself and your reactions well becomes important. If you know that you react certain ways to certain stimulus, respond honestly. For example, you know that kneeling for more than 5 minutes in real life makes your back hurt and your knees lock up, say so if you are kneeling in cyber. Bringing that reality to the screen can take some of the romanticism from the relationship, but it replaces it with a firm base of reality on which the relationship can thrive. Stick to your limits and level of experience. This is not saying that you can't grow within those areas, because you can. But to lie and fake enjoyment or knowledge is to undermine the trust this relationship requires. 

   Frequent communication between the participants becomes even more important. The submissive needs to know the dominant cares for them and thinks of them. At least one e-mail a day can go a long way towards preventing feelings of neglect. Letting the submissive know that you will be away if an absence is unavoidable, goes a long way towards preventing the submissive from feeling abandoned. Little cyber presents can keep both participants from feeling taken for granted. The same goes for the submissive in their treatment of the dominant. Communication must be open and honest, even if it hurts, if the relationship is to survive.  

   What each person is looking for in an on-line relationship must be discussed before hand. If your needs don't match, then entering into an LDR through cyber with that person is not a good idea. You will be setting yourself up for hurt. For example, if you are looking for an eventual r/l relationship, and the person you are attracted to is looking only for some on-line play, then don't get involved. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can change someone else's mind or outlook on things. Don't lie to the person you are attracted to because you want them so badly. It doesn't work in reality, it won't work in an LDR. 

   With a little effort and lots of honesty and commitment and LDR BDSM relationship can be rewarding and enjoyable for those involved. Keep it real and those rewards and enjoyment become even greater.  

The below was written by hyacinth and is included in this article with her permission. She retains all copyright to the words from this point down. 

I wanted to mention one tip that was particularly effective on me, when 
I had an LDR..."time sensitive activities" (in his terminology).  Nothing made me feel his "presence" across the miles more (well, when I wasn't talking on the phone, anyway) than when I was running on my lunch break to make sure my letter was postmarked by the 1:10 pickup, or when I was dashing to log onto ICQ by the exact time...Paying attention to things like postmarks, or exact times, etc., was a highly effective way to make me feel his control. And, of course, when I was lazy or messed up, the writing of "I will be more time sensitive" 100 or more times as punishment certainly did the trick to make his presence known. 
hyacinth © Feb. 1999





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