Some Signs Of Abuse and Abusers

Author: Raven Shadowborne © Apr. 28, 1999



Some of the things which take place in a BDSM relationship can be easily confused and mistaken for acts of abuse. It is often difficult to discern the difference between a dominant and an abuser in a lifestyle which is so varied and contains many different ways of living it. But, there are a few things which can help a person to decide if the person they are going to meet is an abusive person.

A person who becomes possessive of someone they hardly know could very well be an abusive person. This possession may not be very overt or it might be extremely overt. from this feeling of possessing someone comes a few tactics that abusers use to keep their "possession".

First there is isolating someone. Preventing someone from speaking with other people, meeting with other people, or in any way interacting with others. Most abusers isolate their victims because it is then easier to keep the victim in control. Such isolation will foster a sense that the person has no where to turn and no way out. Once isolation is completed, the victim is then in a position where they will more readily believe they deserve whatever comes next and they can't escape it. Healthy people involved in BDSM will not isolate their partners.

Second comes the degeneration of the victim's self esteem. This is usually started in subtle ways, but increases in frequency and intensity as time goes on. Belittling the victim over and over creates a mindset in the victim of they deserve it and they can't escape it.

Other signs of a possible abuser is a person that goes too far at a first meeting or completely disregards any and all limits the sub may place on the meeting. Also, a person that refuses to accept limits or safe words in a new relationship could very well be someone that is not completely honorable and may be abusive. 

It is important to determine your prospective partners view of the opposite sex. One who views all members of the opposite sex in an extremely derogatory manner may have a problem. 

These are the signs of what some people consider to be an abusive person and are things which you should be on the lookout for when discussing meeting people from online. They apply equally to dom or sub and male or female. Again, you are responsible for your own safety so better to be safe than sorry.


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