How To Spot An Abuser

Author: gentle^spirit © 2004
Christians and BDSM Web Site

This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author



Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.

We may have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above. But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an abuser.

I wish the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would teach these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper choices in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed out the abuser from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys out there.

1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person?
2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
3. Do you catch this person in lies?
4. Are you this person's only friend?
5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
7. Is this person mean to animals?
8. Is this person subject to road rage?
9. Does this person anger easily?
10. Does this person hold grudges?
11. Does this person express their anger physically?
12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
13. Is this person jealous of your friends and realatives?
14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?
15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
17. Is this person totally fixated on you?
18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
19. Is this person co-dependent?
20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell you to just “trust them”?
25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
27. Does this person take your money?
28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see or go to the movie of their choice?
29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY objected?
30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you?
32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll and Hyde)?
34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up on you to make sure?
35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail? Listen to your phone calls?
36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows?

Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.

If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.

Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.

If you'd like to write to gentle^spirit[SG], click here .






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