relationship these things can happen: Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Financial,
Verbal and Mental ABUSE. Inside the home when someone tries to control
you by bullying, bashing, threatening, name calling, harassing, frightening
and isolating you, it is called DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. This behavior is not
acceptable. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
relationships go through stages. There is a period where tension builds
up. It's like walking on eggshells all the time. You are extremely careful
to make everything right - but no matter what you do, the abuser still
finds something to go off about. An abusive event happens. Then follows
a period free of violence - the honeymoon phase. The abuser is sorry,
making promises not to do it again, and maybe buying gifts for you. You
become hopeful that this time the abuser really means it. However the
tension starts to build again and the cycle gets repeated. We know that
over time, the violence will get worse and the abuse will happen more
often. The fairest way to stop the cycle and the abuse is for the abuser
to change. But mostly the abused have to stop it by leaving the relationship.
NO EXCUSES. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.
can you tell if it is abuse?
of the following is happening, you are probably being abused.
1. You are scared or frightened...of someone who lives or has lived with
2. You are being put down by someone who says they "love" you?
3. Are you always being told you are stupid; that it's your fault; that
if you had not done something, you wouldn't have been hit, that no one
would be mad at you?
4. Do you feel you can't have your friends around because you're not sure
how your partner will handle it, or because your partner embarrasses you?
5. Do you always feel tired, worn out and confused?
6. Is your partner sometimes nice for a while, then the tension and violence
7. Do you feel like you are living with a "Jekyll and Hyde"
- one "face" for others and one for you?
8. Do you dream that your partner will soon die and it will all stop?
9. Are you no longer sure of what's going on in your life?
You don't need to experience all of these to be abused. If some of these
things are happening - you are at risk. Go and talk to someone about it.
everything we do in this lifestyle is CONSENSUAL; if it isn't CONSENSUAL
on your part, it is ABUSE. Pure and simple, no grey areas, if something
is happening which you have not given your consent, and doesn't stop when
requested, it is ABUSE.
no divine Dominant's right, or, in some cases, submissive's right, to
ABUSE. And the old "You aren't a good submissive if you don't...."
, "You are a weak submissive if you....", "If you aren't
a true submissive because...." DON'T APPLY.
comes to something which you don't feel comfortable, something you specifically
negotiated not to be part of your submission and/or something you haven't
consented to, it becomes ABUSE. Run don't walk to the nearest exit.
have a happy knack of making you feel it is YOUR fault. You are the one
to blame. IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. AND YOU ARE BLAMELESS. You have the
right as a human being to be treated with respect, to retain your self-worth
and your dignity.
the pity but there seems to be an element who assume a submissive has
absolutely no rights whatsoever and this is totally and utterly wrong.
You have the right to say NO whenever it suits you as does the Dominant
and that right MUST be accepted and honored. Say NO to ABUSE and say it
Links from CrimsonLord
What is Abuse?
essay, with some questions that attempt to define what is abuse within
a BDSM context. This essay came out of a dear friend's irc channel
#bdsm on Austnet and is and was the collective work of a lot of discussion
by some experienced BDSM Lifestyler's. How to tell if you are being
abused or abusing someone. How to tell someone you think they are
suffering or committing abuse, and what to do about it...and...How
to deal with someone telling you they think you are suffering or committing
abuse, and you don't think they are right.
A Common Link?
insightful look at a serious issue in D/s relationships. Help for
dealing with the ghosts from our pasts.
emotional and mental abusers
Survivors of Child Abuse
by The Morris Center, ASCA is a support group/recovery and prevention
program in the Greater Bay Area for those who have been abused emotionally,
sexually, and/or physically. Organized within a low-cost framework,
it offers meetings, workshops, presentations, socials, trainings,
discussion groups, and a guidebook to healing, Survivor to
Thriver, available only through the Morris Center.
is not Abuse
by the Lesbian Mafia outlining the differences between SM and abuse.
and Child Abuse
being abused as a child equal submission as an adult? An interesting
editorial on the subject.
Internet Safety Organization
handling sexual abuse flashbacks during BDSM scenes. According to
this article, flashbacks can occur while one is recovering from past
abuse. Read about flashbacks and how to deal with them.
SM abusive? Were most SM people abused?
the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ, this page deals with misconceptions
about BDSM and leatherfolk stereotypes. It also includes information
on domestic violence and abuse from the Leather/Fetish Celebration
a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence,
specifically for the leather-fetish community. Safe Link, c/o Domestic
Violence Education Project National Leather Association, 3439 NE Sandy
Blvd, #155 Portland, OR 97232
Sane and Consensual?
on abusive D/s relationships and how to avoid them. Includes a list
of warning signs for potential physical danger.
Jay Wiseman's SM 101, an examination of the differences between
BDSM and abuse, along with a list of warning signs and an explanation
of the "cycle of violence."
Connection Between Kink and Abuse
King contends that there is a large overlap between the communities
of abuse survivors and BDSMers. You may not agree with his statements
or his conclusions, but this is interesting reading nonetheless.
Abuse: Is It Possible?
article from the 4/98 issue of "Short Licks" written by Tanith
Against Women Office
Government Referral of Resources.
good comparison between abuse and BDSM. Includes a list of symptoms
of abuse both past and present, and some very wise words about support.
Women Halting Online Abuse
to eradicating online stalking. Good resource for those who have run
into this problem.
BDSM Relationships Are Not Abuse
examination of the differences between BDSM and abuse.