Survivor's Of Child Sexual Abuse and The D/s World

Author: Clanbear's becca © 2002

Used With Permission Of The Author



I questioned myself at first on weather or not I should offer to do this article for Raven. I wondered if I had the qualifications to do so. But, all the qualifications needed were to be submissive which I am and to be a survivor which I am.... First thing I want to say is I am not submissive because I was abused I was abused because I was submissive. I was a flirt even as a young child. Doing my best even at 2 and 3 to catch the eye of any strong man who would say oh aren't you a pretty little thing. But being a pretty little thing in the wrong place at the wrong time can cost you dearly. But then I am a survivor not a victim. I choice to look at it that way. I like the person I am today and know I wouldn't be that person if any path I walked or was flung down in my life was to be changed.

But, how is any of this important? simple if you enter the world of BDSM you will Inevitably come across Survivors and dealing with us is a bit different than dealing with those who have been hurt by a so called Dom who claimed He loved them.

There are many stages to recovery. And you will meet us in every stage... I for the purpose of this article would like to walk you the reader through the stages and a bit of understanding about what goes on within us at these stages

The First Stage is the stage of denial: this one usually only happens if they were young enough they could forget say under 4 but if they manage to convince themselves it never happened and they were older than 4 understand you have someone who is a very good liar on your hands. They not only are good but they are the best in the world why because they can lie to themselves and convincing yourself that nothing like that ever happened can be the hardest thing in the world to do. In this stage they go about their lives usually seemingly happy but they always elude to the something that is missing that they just cant find. They tend to keep their views very shallow and superficial for fear of digging to deep within themselves for the truth. Uncover one truth you start to uncover them all and at this stage you honestly believe your safer not knowing what it is you already know. In BDSM these subs can be quite fun and playful and though they never actually have a flashback or possibly even admit that a scene was a problem they seem to have sever mood swings and often back out of a scene at the last minute. and for others they just stay out of the lifestyle at this stage. they don't understand it and anything to do with sex that isn't understood is avoided.

The Second stage is the stage of remembering and numb acceptance: This is where we begin remembering and we go through this period of numbness. We usually have learned to say out loud I am a survivor but when we talk about what happened it includes very little detail and our eyes lose their life its more like talking to someone who dead nothing there. This happens because we find that place in our minds we found when it was happening. we just kind of go away. we don't put emotion or sense of anything with what happened and when we speak it is often as if it happened to someone else and not ourselves. This stage is the beginning of problems with scenes.. they will often use their safeword and not know why. they are panicky and jumpy around scenes involving age play and the age they were when the abuse happened. But they usually insist they are fine... its no big deal its in the past will often be heard... but a good punishment scene can lead to inconsolable sobbing. and often child like behaviors of rocking oneself or head banging. They will say they know it isn't their fault and they aren't trying to punish themselves but lets face it they are submissive. they will blame themselves they will try to punish themselves if someone else isn't there to stop them or punish them..... Should punishment scenes be avoided at this stage? From my personal experience the answer is no its cathartic and helps to move one from the deadness of life in stage two to feeling something once more.

The Third Stage is the stage of Flashback and Emotion: Take the none detailed details they gave you in stage two and add the sense of touch, smell taste hearing and even seeing to it.... anything can set off a flashback and if it happens the wrong way they can believe that who ever is in the room with them at that moment is the one trying to hurt them and that it is real. This is the scary stage. the one when they will do anything to stop what ever it is that's happening... for me the main problem was hearing the whispers in my right ear.. My solution was to try and puncture my eardrum with an ice pick... now I know now and knew then that it wouldn't do any good the voice was in my head not in my ear and puncturing my eardrum wouldn't go away but after two hours of hearing it and being at home alone and 6 months pregnant I didn't care.... No I didn't puncture my eardrum that loving wonderful understanding man I married showed up just in time to stop me. But life for us was miserable I often look back at my lack of control and wonder who in the world that person was.... I would say our journey into D/s started about this time in our lives... We played at it before but He became committed to protecting me even from myself and my life became on long day to day list of everything I was suppose to do from getting dressed in the morning to what to eat and when to eat it. I asked one day why he did that and his answer was you wont take care of yourself unless I do so I am... Pain had nothing to do with our life at this stage nor did bondage or any of the other trappings and toys of the lifestyle.. We were simply who we were two people trying to get through the day when a simple act of love required a lot of effort and planning. and often its best left that way unless of course they revert back to self punishment of stage two which is also possible or try to hurt themselves in those cases what you learn in the lifestyle can come in very handy... bondage to keep us safe from ourselves and small amounts of pain or humiliation given in doses altered with love and compassion so that we feel the release from the idea that we are bad or dirty without thinking that you don't love us anymore either... Note: if you do use punishment during this stage never ever do it in a rape scene or in something connected to what she lived... she will ask if she ever feels the need to role play the situation so that she can understand what happened better... don't ever take it on yourself to prompt that or to bring it into life on a broad scale.

The Fourth stage this stage is where the storm has passed: in this stage we become very analytical and philosophical... we focus on learning about ourselves we have great realizations and become more in touch with who we are and who we were and where we want to go... The need to be punished for our crimes comes back but its only so that we may be absolved of current mistakes so that we don't ever have to feel dirty or lacking or bad again..... We can be fun to play with but we also tend to analyze every ounce of what happen and we absorb anything we can get our hands on. Watch carefully for the lack of responsiveness once survivors hit stage four because at any time we can turn a complete one 180 and be right back at square one... with each new memory with each return to a stage they become more intense but tend to last a shorter amount of time.... its a cycle that repeats over and over again... Be thankful when its good be loving and aware when it isn't... and always always always be prepared to put yourself in harms way to protect her... Because even she has to say you wouldn't give up your own life for someone who was unworthy and she needs to see that she isn't no matter what stage she is in.

On a side note don't be surprised if she doesn't want to go to therapy and tells you she's the best therapist she could ask for... Therapists listen while you purge it from your system...Doms take the pain and hold it for you.... Being safe in the arms of someone you love and who loves you no matter what is the best therapy anyone survivor could ever have.....




Back To Healing Abuse
E-mail Site Owner
Back To Home Page


powered by FreeFind

Page by: Raven Shadowborne © 2001

Graphics & Buttons by: Aylissa Cair & Raven Shadowborne © 1999 - 2006



LnR Toy Store

Site Map


To hear of changes to the web site, or events taking place in the chat room, enter your e-mail address and click on the button below to join the LnRannounce mailing list. This is an announcement list only and is of very low volume. Or if you prefer, e-mail Raven ( ) to be added to the list, be sure to include your e-mail address and the name of the list within the e-mail.

Subscribe to LnRannounce
Powered by
Link To Domination